Sunday, December 21, 2008
the doctor says, there is hope still.
but have you not heard those who know better? they say he is not a real doctor. they say he is a fraud.
yeah, but those who think they know better think hope is a guarantee-- and like their character, a guarantee is simply an empty promise. I never said that hope is a guarantee. all I have said is that the doctor says-- there is still hope. call him a fraud. but he is the most sincere of anyone I have ever met. and I'll take hope over a guarantee. whether I like it or not.
am I an idiot? to come so far to give up? maybe this is as far as I can go. maybe this is as far as I am made to go. maybe I am not capable of going any further. do you always have to speak in obscurities and beat-around-the bushes? I think you know the answer to that.
am I insanely idiotic. or idiotically insane. or both. because there is such a thing as insanely genius. or geniusly insane. but for sure, I'm neither one of the latter. why do I get so far to recoil even further? hey fear, I say. I say, hey fear, come over here. yeah, yeah, right here. here's my hand. yeah, here, take my hand, right here. that's it, take my hand.
now don't go on thinking you're special. don't you know fear is such the social butterfly. she wants to be everybody's best friend. you're not so special. you are not.
oh, but I am--fear has stuck with me longer than she has stuck with anyone else I know. she has taken a special liking to me, she has--I think she feels most at home with me. I am her comfort zone. she knows she can trust me to be faithful and true. I can confidently say that she does not like you nearly as much as she likes me. I indeed believe she prefers me to you, if I dare say. now don't be jealous. there is still plenty of fear to go around--once she gets finished with me. and she will--
But I thought you said, the doctor said, there is still hope.
indeed. well, hope is going to have to prove herself. she has not been quite the friend that fear has been. I have turned to hope many times. but she has not shown herself the same way that fear has. hope seems a bit flaky. a bit unreliable. capricious, I suppose. a bit of an, let's say, empty seat , for lack of a better excuse.
but I thought you said you'd take hope over a guarantee.
well, perhaps I should amend that statement. I'll take hope over a guarantee. But I seem to choose fear over hope, you know. not really on purpose, either, you see. there's just something about fear that draws me to her. it's not her attractiveness. because really she isn't quite attractive, per se. but she has that, I suppose, that special something or other. fear would have you think that she's nothing like hope--fear, she says, I'm not going to leave you, she says. I won't let you down, she says--not like that traitor of a friend, hope. yeah. you know, sure. fear, she knows you. she knows how to make you feel a guarantee, even though she makes no guarantee. hope and fear are, well, I suppose, a similar kind of friend or other, I dare say. they do not promise anyone a single thing. they're friends of, experts in speculation, I suppose. and both offer a sense of danger and, let's see, safety, quite all at the same time. but the difference between the two. well, you see, by gosh, the difference, you see, is that, well, one chooses you and you choose the other. hope comes barreling toward you like so, and well, then, you go barreling toward fear like so. so, really, they're both always there, in a way, working together. one chasing you, you chasing the other --so that you're kind of, well, in a way, caught in the middle, you see. always caught in the middle. I think, perhaps, a long time ago, they loved one another. you know, maybe walked hand in hand like this, you see. but as time went on, they grew apart. they distanced themselves from one another--as so happens so often in life. each decided she wanted the world all to herself--with no room for the other. they are in constant conflict.
Well, I'm a nonsense kind of girl.
What is the significance of "Yoon's Blur?"
In addition, the concept of a "blur" is also a metaphor that, for me, accurately characterizes the experience of life as a Korean-American adoptee. (This experience is somewhat represented in the "poem" featured below.)
For thirty plus years, I knew my Korean name as "Yoon, Mi Ra," because that is what was recorded in my adoption file. Along with the recorded surname, "Yoon," my "family of origin" was recorded as "Namwon."
I began a search for my Korean family at the age of 26, back in 2002.
When I began this blog in September of 2008, only four months before locating my Korean parents in 2009, I chose the web address "yoonsblur" as a reflection of my Korean surname.
Ironically enough, however, I discovered upon finding my Korean parents that my name should have been recorded as "Cha, Mi Ra," and that my biological father's home town was not Namwon. (For the sake of privacy I have purposely excluded the name of his hometown).
Although I have my own thoughts about how this might have happened, no one--not my Omma, Appa, or the agency-claims to know how I ended up with the name "Yoon."
I chose to keep the web address and blog title, "Yoon's Blur" because I think it accurately represents the "blur" of misinformation, poor record-keeping, and bureaucracy faced by adoptees.
What is the purpose of Yoon's Blur?
This blog is an attempt, as stated in the subtitle, to explore human experience and identity beyond the adoption box, specifically according to the perspectives and experiences of an adult Korean adoptee.
By sharing my own journey as a Korean adoptee along with all the complexities that come with the experience of search, reunion, and post-reunion, I hope this blog will serve to connect others with each other and with the adoptee experience.
* * *
I have two "journals" as tabs, "Search & Reunion" and "Post Reunion," as well as a tab, "Resources," which includes links to other adoption-related blogs and sites.
The sidebar also includes links to specific topics, popular and recent posts, related posts whether by other bloggers or other publications, and poetry. Furthermore, there are apps that allow you to subscribe to the posts and/or comments, or you can share this blog via Twitter or Facebook.
Please feel free to contact me through my blog, and thanks for stopping by.
* * *
life is a blur i am a blur you are a blur we are a blur of culture of identity of emotion of thought of families and friends of worlds diverging yet merging so often we seek lines distinct and hard we desire to feel absolute secure so we try to rid our lives of the blur the nebula the fuzz it is natural yet there are some things about identity about life about being human that will always elude the boxes into which we try to confine them the blur is about learning to be brave in a complex overwhelming perplexing wrenching startling beautiful world about precipitating light even when the surroundings seem saturated with darkness about discovering and examining the wonders of the mystery of the unknown of the uncertainty of the ambiguity i am a blur you are a blur we are a blur life is a blur of hope of despair of fear of courage of hurt of cure of grief of comfort of love of hate of finding of losing of learning of ignorance of emptiness of purpose of loneliness of depth of alienation of belonging of undoing of doing of crying of laughing of screaming of quieting of listening of speaking of arrogance of humility of wandering of settling of touching of pushing of pulling of raging of calming of threading of unraveling of hiding of seeking of failure of redemption of rising of falling of becoming of dying of living of fighting of forgiving...
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Protocol for Standard Return Options: Please follow the below instructions when handling returns. Do not deviate from the listed instructions as such deviations may result in unnecessary complications including, but not limited to, an increase in potential for further breakage and/or damage to return merchandise, heightened customer dissatisfaction, emotional outbursts, etc.
Common Reasons and/or Complaints Associated with Returns:
• too encrypted/too complicated
• lack of logic
• conflicting instructions
• discrepancies in initial expectations and subsequent results
• requirement of consistent maintenance and repair
• psychotic and/or neurotic displays
• detection of inherent defects
• a bit more than what the customer bargained for/a little less than what the customer hoped for
• Check merchandise for any bruises, cuts, scars and/or other wounds (Note: check not only the outside of the package but be sure to also examine the inside of the package, considering that often the outside of the package can be deceiving and appear initially unmarred. However, upon further examination, one may often find discreet but deep damage to the merchandise).
• In the case of extensive damage and/or breakage to merchandise, the store will accept the return, but be sure to thoroughly and accurately complete all paperwork, and inform the customer that future purchases and/or exchanges may be more complex and involved and may require more time and work. Repetitive and/or excessive returns and/or exchanges of damaged and/or broken merchandise may ultimately result in deactivation of account barring any future purchases for a minimum of 1 to 2 years. (You may find that certain customers will not care. He may mutter that he will just solicit the services of a different store and that all the merchandise is basically of the same quality no matter where you go and that one of these days he is going to find what he's looking for and that he doesn't care how many pieces of merchandise he has to go through before he finds what he is looking for).
WARNING: Do not inform customer that he will never find what he is looking for. Such dispense of unsolicited information may compromise your safety. If by accident you do inform the customer of this merchandise fact, you may have entered into imminent danger. Immediately remove yourself from the situation and call security.
• Otherwise, proceed with the return. If the customer expresses a desire to transfer the return into an exchange, refer to "Protocol for Exchange Options." (Usually, the customer will choose whatever looks best to him. Attempt, to the best of your ability, to encourage the customer to read thoroughly the product/merchandise information. Normally, however, the majority of customers prefer to stare at and handle the merchandise and exhibit a strong tendency to base their purchase decision on the handling and appearance of the merchandise. Most customers avoid even opening the product information. Store statistics indicate a minor reduction in the percentage of returns and exchanges among those customers who refer to the product information prior to making their purchase. However, if customer will not listen to you, simply move on).
• Once you have processed the return, make sure the customer has in his possession copies of all paperwork and all receipts.
• After you have finalized the transaction and have completed assisting the customer, place the merchandise back on display.
NOTE: If you detect any signs of excessive sobbing and/or wailing, you are advised to attach a muffler of the correct size (Sizes AAA through DDD are available) depending on the type of merchandise. (See size charts if you are not certain as to what size applies to the merchandise). Do not proceed to worry or fret, the merchandise will be fine. Do not attempt to comfort, appease or placate the merchandise. The merchandise will recover. Will learn to move on. Just give the merchandise time. Space. The merchandise will become silent. Again. We repeat, leave the merchandise alone. To the best of your ability, simulate ignorance, i.e, feign as though you do not hear or see or feel the merchandise. And the merchandise will get it. The merchandise will learn.
to never. hurt. again.
GIRL WITHOUT A COUNTRY
i will return to the country of which I was born—
i will greet the people from which I came—
as. a. Foreigner.
i am alien to them.
i need not speak a single word:
will tell these citizens that
i. do Not.
i am far away—
no matter how near I draw.
(i take a look at my passport: lost in my pocket—
that is. not me. either)
i am. a little. bastard child.
i am foreign to every face i see. in every country i travel.
always, someone else’s child.
neither country wants to make claim to me.
but in the name of reluctance to be politically correct and appropriately modern and progressively tolerant,
they practice saying, “Korean-American” or “American-Korean” (and for the generalists, “Asian-American” and for the relativists “Human-American”)
and to the Korean-Koreans:
i am Korean enough to incur shame
but not Korean enough to incur honor. Funny.
How. that does not. work.
(it is not a double standard)
(it is the Korean standard) (now: i’m just being snide. and rude. and bitter.)
tell me one more time, how it is the greed and money of other nations that have stolen your children.
and I will tell you—as you plug your ears and avert your eyes—
that it is the arrogance and stiffness of your nation that freely gave away your children: (greed and money thrive only when provided with a substrate)
your face is more important than your offspring.
when you gaze into the mirror, you are nothing but beauty and perfection.
you point your folly at those demons. that have found rest
beneath your bed.
it is more complicated than black and white. than good and evil.
than right and wrong.
than preserving your pristine and porcelain face.
than scapegoating the other man.
this illness. Is. almost genetic. almost
of your identity.
i have hired a scientist.
he knows the art of extraction.
i will punish you.
by forgetting you.
This is. What. I tell myself.
you punish. me. by remembering me.
the way you choose. to remember me.
you do not hear.
i hear your every word—
like microbes. as they pierce and. burrow. tiny schisms within
until the stabbing becomes:
a way of living.
and this is no way.
this is not the way.
i will be un-
the way. to
DYING THIS LONG
I want to take an astral kick to my head.
I will barter the sanction to steal,
with skill and cunning, because
I am crazy and relentless
and the night's dark faces
will hand over their sacks of
through helium pumps
into expecting pyrex mouths and
esophagi and gullets.
that is why the crying is
empty. useless. still.
off to Africa. I'll hide away as a runaway export
from America. sail off
into a quarantine because I am an import
nestled in the plumage of a sacred delicacy
for the hemoglobinous mouths
of a den of deleterious male cubs. delirious male cubs
can get away with it. all, at all times.
then Africa will sell me back
to America, but no one will know.
no one will want to know. so that they can
all go mad go mad
sweet. tough. chewy.
from being in the mouths of those African
male cubs. those hemoglobinous mouths baking
in the sun. wide, crude.
chewy. tough. sweet.
all the bitterness and vulnerability
and trituration still stalking a host
out by the spears that Africa planted
to air me out
in thin, lean strips, the heat did not
touch me, only stood outside my door
to seep in until it had melted all of
my eyes and noses and teeth. and now,
my veins are like the crying:
my blood soon will drip-drip
onto some unknown bald and waxen forehead
a cold and by-standing shoulder,
a big boy's old rubber boots.
but only you and I
will know what it truly is.
just you and I sucking in and
our desensitized stomachs and our
dry as dry as dry as they can be taste buds.
I do not miss it.
but when the pannier is bare, unraveling
a tribal weave of collaboration that I have never known
I will return.
undead. except to you and all the others
who never knew what kept me
huffing and puffing and dying
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
You are the Lazarus.
in my mind.
over and over. and over, again.
to rise. only
like sun and moon.
You are the Lazarus.
in my tears.
in my chest.
in. my. every thought.
you cannot die.
trapped. in the mine of a tomb.
buried. deep and dark.
season to season.
I can't get you out. which one are
torment and lament. I dig you out.
evades resolution. I was your satellite.
cast out. and forgotten.
but you were never. the center of. the universe. you
are the star. called
you are so idle and yet.
and tattered, bandit.
of the motherhood
but I have found, a sunlit
night with purpose.
and, so, my Lazarus
and the depraved mantra
she is living.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
I want to kill this curiosity.
It feels as though it is killing me.
And I feel so weak. I take a look at the world, and it seems as though all the people around me deal with their lives and circumstances with such great strength and hope and faith.
In the meantime, I am wavering, wobbling, giving into despair. This is an ugly sight indeed.
I truly do not understand why I am the way that I am. I loathe certain aspects of my character. I often wish that I could extricate certain qualities that seem embedded within who I am.
The intense and overbearing emotions of sadness and desperation that pound through my being at the most inconvenient times. The hurt and longing for someone I have never known and most likely will never know that fetters my daily existence. These are just a few of the elements that I frequently wish to eradicate from my composition.
My husband tells me, though, that doing so would then have pervasive repercussions on my person as a whole. He says you can’t just shut off one part of your heart without affecting the entire person. He always tells me that if I cut out those parts of who I am, then I will turn into a non-feeling automaton. He proceeds to repeat that he in part married me because of my capacity to feel things deeply. In short, if he wanted to marry a robot, he would have. But, instead, he married me. Lucky him.
But then, the question still remains—why can I not dig myself out of this hole? My life is good. Why do I crawl into this hole in the first place?
Why can I not just forget? Move on? Why does she always come back to haunt me?
I do not want to become hardened and calloused. I don’t want to be a non-feeling automaton. I do not want to deceive myself or lie to myself.
I can tell myself that I do not care anymore. I can tell myself that I am over it. That I am just going to move on and forget the whole thing. But such would be pure deception.
I do care. And as I much as I tell myself that I am over it as much as I realize that I am not.
It pains me deeply that I may never know her. That most likely I will never meet her.
And yet the cruel and everlasting nature of hope cannot help but relentlessly taunt me. Hope can never stop hoping. Even the most infinitesimal quark of hope cannot perish. Its anatomy, its structure is indestructible, even when I do my best to annihilate it. It is immune to me.
And this drives me absolutely crazy.
There is some small part of me that cannot but compulsively assign wacky and absurd explanations to the emotions I feel. I must give them reason and purpose for their existence.
So I tell myself that I cannot let go of this painful hope, because I am destined to find her. These emotions, these longings, I persuade myself, are compelling me to search for her. Without such a drive of emotion, without such a depth of desperation, I would never be so motivated, so urgent to seek her. I feel this deluge of emotion because it is leading me to her.
Emotion is what drives us to initiate action. When we do not feel, we do not act.
So, I tell myself, this pain, this longing, this cruel hope will end in joy. These tears will end in laughter.
That’s what I tell myself.
I wrote a poem years ago entitled, “Emancipation.” I posted it in conjunction with this entry. It basically reminds me that love makes us fools. But that being a fool in the name of love is not necessarily a foolish endeavor. Or is it? I’m having second thoughts.
Doing so is what can often lead to greatness, I try to argue. It’s just, well, the kind of greatness that is great in a foolish kind of way—at least in the eyes of those who are not willing to take such risks?
What else is honest, true love other than the sacrifice of the ego, of the self? A willingness to embrace humility, and even more specifically, humiliation for the sake of another.
Love does not give to receive. Love gives without thinking of what it will gain.
(Is this me trying to convince myself that my meekness and feebleness are somehow more than that?…Or perhaps, I like to patronize myself at times, like patting a child on the head for believing in Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy…)
Why do I persist like a fool, subjecting myself to emotional turmoil and desperation, to endless uncertainty and doubt?
The only answer that I can honestly give is this: No matter how much I fight it or try to neglect it, I hold deep within, even against my own will, an undying and relentless love for my birth mother. It is more than curiosity. And that’s why I cannot will to kill it.
This kind of love is not subject to the average will.
Even though I have never known her. I have no recollection of her face or her person. She could be dead for all I know. She could despise me for all I know. She could harbor me as a shameful and baneful secret.
And yet, I cannot rid myself of the love that I possess for her.
This is the madness that compels me to long for her, to weep for her, to even rage against her. To hope that one day I will see her face to face.
And that makes me a fool. But an emancipated one?
I do not feel emancipated.
I feel trapped.
I feel stifled.
I feel like I want to rip out the walls. Scream. Tear out my hair. Shake my fists. And then crumble upon the ground beneath my stomping feet, never to assemble again.
But I always find myself back at the same place. At least it feels that way.
Even though I tell myself, this is it, no more. I cannot do this any longer. I shout at my husband that I can’t take this! I don’t care! I can’t feel this any longer! I do my best to will myself to walk away once and for all. Forever.
But I return, like a strange and meek addict of hope, or an obsessive, compulsive, neurotic glutton for punishment. I return.
My mind returns to thoughts of her. My heart returns to longing for her. For answers. For resolution.
If only I could forget. If only I could close the door and lock it once and for all. If only I could cure this addiction. Medicate this compulsion.
But to do so, again, only neglects, ignores, suppresses, denies the truth of a significant piece of who I am.
Yet still, I will most likely continue in my attempts to forget. To push away the truth. To bury the sentiments. To hide from that which haunts me.
Not because I am fond of deceit or lying. And not that I will ever succeed.
I simply need moments of reprieve. Times to breathe. To run. To escape.
To kick out the pretty little walls in their sugary paint and the perfect little white picket fences that try to tell me that my life is wonderful and sane.
Contrary to what one might think, running and hiding from what I feel doesn’t make things better. It only makes me more aware of that which troubles me.
But it at least gives me the illusion for however brief the moment to think that I can get away. It allows me the opportunity to embrace the drama while at the same time running from it.
I sound like nonsense. But let me have it.
Let me drown in my melodrama and hurt. And really perhaps, this is all a selfish luxury anyhow—to be able to reflect, to entertain thoughts about a past that faded from my sight before I could even really see.
Who am I to think that I have the right to moan and groan about my life? Am I simply the spoiled brat, trying to dig up reasons to whine and weep? Who am I to hold up victimhood like a banner over my bloated head?
Here I go again, entering into the conflict and tension of justification and de-justification of my existence and the emotions that come along with it.
I want to tell myself to shut-up and get over it, while I simultaneously yearn for comfort and solace. Just call me an emotional yo-yo—up and down on the strings of my internal banter.
And when I get sick from the vacillation and rocking, I’ll have no one to blame but myself.
The world is never the problem. It’s one individual at a time.
And it’s really hard to change even that one, that singular individual. She always resists.
Yet eventually, she also always, ultimately, seems to succumb, for better or for worse.
Let’s hope, this time, it’s for the better.
(Note: Inside joke: "Sugar Daddy" wins...for now...wipe that smile off your face. You know you knew you would win. But don't get overconfident just yet...;) I'm still skeptical and unfortunately cynical...)
you are going to leave.
I can feel it.
there is not a man left for me.
you have come this far: to your loss.
to your grief.
you, relentless fool.
II. Essay on a fool
always the fool hopes. always the fool hurts. (to verify the authenticity of the fool: inquire as to whether she hurts. the fool never knows she hurts--she smiles. she proceeds: oblivious. ignorant. burned: idiotic. moron-- apple-mouthed Wilburess flipping on the skewer)
I say-- that I will be no fool. and I believe it. and if I die an old lonely lady: with not a soul at my
will be by my own doing. no world to blame. perhaps,
I'd be better off in some fool's socks.
a fool at least knows love.
a fool knows love.
a fools knows
what is love. and what is love? it: is not. as
as the rhetoric
babbles on (they're playing tricks). except,
that I've got my
nose stuck. to the crease of this corner. my back to the world.
to join the ranks of the desperate. the starved. is this what you want?
give me a minute.
it may be too late. love may be keeling
over. now. this very moment-- as we speak.
the fool knows hurt. this particular kind of. this peculiar type of. fool.
runs straight. into. the hurt. I think it is innate. instinct. this sub-species not possessing the pathways for callousness and the "never-will-I-hurt-again" switch. just like some form of ancient savagery. scoff: no modern etiquette.
I crawl into a closet examine the darkness and whisper: "I almost find it romantic." (tell no one: of what. you may. just have: heard--)
(of what: you are. about. to hear:)
I almost wish: I could hurtle myself-- from this closet
my feet dressed and jumping
in these socks:
that I have never. before. dared
* * *
(Give me all the candles and pennies that I can hold:
I have breath enough
and strong arms and hands
with which to throw--
we will see smoke rising
and the well