Monday, March 28, 2011

"Yes, I love my parents"

Before you assume--because I offer thoughtful analysis (and, yes, that involves critical thinking) of my adoption experience and otherwise...because I experience a complex mix of emotions that includes anger and sadness not only gratitude and warm fuzzies...because I acknowledge the flaws and imbalance inherent to the current adoption system--that I don't love my parents or that I don't view and treat them as my "real parents," or that I must be a miserable, unhappy, raging, bitter person who hates my life--

Please stop for just a minute and consider what my tenth grade geometry teacher always said--

Don't always assume you know, because it makes an a** out of "u" and "me."

And then perhaps take a moment to read through more than one blog post, and maybe even read the synopsis under the tab labeled "The Journey" or read through several of the posts in the sidebar under "Popular Posts," say, for instance, "I didn't search because I was looking for a new family" or "Do you regret that you were adopted?" or even venture to watch the video of my reunion with my Omma...

It's always more complicated than what you think you know.

Enough said.*


*Addendum to address other inaccurate a**umptions commonly made:
  • No, I do not despise fellow adoptees that love adoption.
  • No, I do not dismiss fellow adoptees that speak positively of their adoption experiences, rather I question the status quo that favors their stories to the neglect and dismissal of adoptees who present more complex experiences and stories.
  • No, I am not anti-adoption, but I am also not pro-adoption. Again, it's more complicated than that, at least it is for me.
  • No, I do not detest adoptive parents. But and besides, this ain't about you, remember?

10 comments:

CherubMamma said...

I love the way you tell your story. It's so honest! I'm sorry that people assume the worst first. That kind of thinking won't take them very far. Your blog is a wonderful look at an adoption relationship. It covers the entire triad. I value your thoughts and insight as we raise our adopted son. Thank you for continuing to tell your story despite those that "assume".

one + one said...

It makes me sad that there was reason you had to write this post. Anyone who reads your blog with an open mind knows you think and write both critically and respectfully of the adoption process. Thank you again for your honest posts. I consider your blog one of my 'tools' in becoming a better (adoptive) parent.

Reena said...

I am both saddened and annoyed that you continue to have to post this type of message.

Yoli said...

I second Reena.

Not Just A Birth Mom said...

"Don't always assume you know, because it makes an a** out of "u" and "me."

Damn straight :)

ms. marginalia said...

I, too, am sorry that adoptees continue to have to justify and tell people that our stories are complicated. That we aren't "poorly adjusted" or "haters" because we say things that aren't 100% positive, all the time.

Argh.

Amy said...

I really appreciate you sharing your story.

The adopted ones said...

Melissa,

What Reena said...

I am at the stage where if someone says something like that to me then I ask them how they feel about their parents and all that stuff.

It is only the adoptees in the triad that must qualify their relationships to their parents, and in many cases are much older than the adoptive parents making those statements or asking the question...when are we allowed to be all grown up...seeing as many of us have lived outside of the family home longer than we lived in it...ugggh

Melissa said...

@ Not Just A Birth Mom- you made me laugh out loud w/your very succinct comment. ;)

@ Ms. Marginalia- you said it perfectly..."That we aren't 'poorly adjusted' or 'haters' because we say things that aren't 100% positive, all the time."


@ The adopted ones- "It is only the adoptees in the triad that must qualify their relationships to their parents..."

So true. And so wearisome. And furthermore, what if I was estranged from my American parents? Would that invalidate and disqualify my position in the view of others...? Yep...seen that plenty of times...

Amanda said...

Ugh the adoption stigma rears its ugly head.

I have listened to a lot of people talk about a lot of issues over the years.

Never once have I ever heard someone say "but don't you love your parents??" no matter what the issue or problem the person was expressing.

Except in adoption.

You are a adult independent of your parents with your own valid voice. Don't ever let adoption stigma and ignorance rob you of that.

((hugs))