Response to comments

The following is my response to comments left by a couple of readers after they read my post, "The choice to adopt is a luxury choice" (Yoon Seon). For context, you may want to read the original post & comments first. I realize this is a sensitive topic and one that needs to be handled respectfully and with consideration. I always strive to do so and also hope that others will strive to do the same. (I responded as a blog post simply because it was too long to post in the comment section--I tend to be pretty long-winded...*smilewink*).

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First of all, I just want to say to Kristen & the Richerts, I appreciate your comments & your honesty. I always want my blog to be a place where people can share their emotions & reactions openly & honestly. So, thank you for taking the time to share your perspective. (Also, if you have not already, I would encourage you to read the original posts for further context from which I extracted the opening quotes...)

Second of all, I apologize if you felt personally attacked. That was not my intention! I really made every effort to indicate my intention when I began the post with:

"I by no means incriminate any single individual nor do I place any ill blame on my own parents--I do believe they are truly decent people with sincere and loving hearts, and I am grateful to call them my parents"

Again, I apologize that you felt that way, but please, before you write me off, I humbly ask you to reconsider my viewpoint, because as Jenni expressed, "I feel like I read a different post than either of you."

I do feel grossly misunderstood and vexed because it's as though you somehow gathered the exact opposite of all the points I was trying to make, and instead put your own words in my mouth--words that I have never uttered or implied.

Kristen, you stated that I am creating a narrative "that suggests that adoptive parents are 'taking' children away from birth parents, as opposed to parenting children who have been abandoned, which is usually the case."

Anyone who consistently reads my blog or knows me personally knows such is not my narrative nor my stance.

But for the record, I am not against adoption nor am I out to demonize or incriminate AP's or anyone else for that matter. I just simply believe that all human systems are broken & flawed, whether it's healthcare or the U.S. Welfare system or International adoption, etc., and hence can always be improved upon and ameliorated. This is not an attack but rather a sincere belief that we as humans can strive to grow and improve whether on a smaller personal scale or whether on a larger communal scale as a society or organization.

Adoption happens to be the "system" that is personally related to me, so I often offer up critiques and challenges for improvement, but it does not mean I am attacking AP's or anyone for that matter.

If anything, this post addresses the folly of the agencies & those who may bring children to orphanages in unscrupulous ways:

"the practice of oppression, falsification, deceit, omission, etc. involving the practices in which children are relinquished and obtained for adoption as well as the documentation of so many adoptees' histories and identities prior to being adopted."

(For the sake of full disclosure, so you understand my personal experience & context--since reuniting with my biological parents, I have discovered that my own adoption paperwork was falsified while information was also withheld from me. And my birth mother did not "abandon" me as was stated in my paperwork, and hence I was technically not a "legal orphan." Her sister is the one who took me to the orphanage and gave me up in secret without consulting my birth father, whom had every plan to raise me...and as I stated in the original post, "My own biological mother has stated that had she had the resources that are available today, she would have chosen to keep me."--this is all too common in Korean adoption...so, you see, indeed adoption is complicated...)

I did not "implicate" or "imply" responsibility on the part of adoptive parents whatsoever, but rather gave honor and respect to my own parents:

"I do believe they are truly decent people with sincere and loving hearts, and I am grateful to call them my parents" and "whom I love and don't want to imagine my life without"...

I know both of you have read my blog before. Although, I don't know how consistently or regularly you visit, but anyone who has followed my blog consistently or knows me personally, knows that I am not out to rage against adoptive parents or anyone for that matter. It's situations like this when I wish I could just pull up a chair with you & have a face-to-face conversation so that you'd be able to realize that I am not out to threaten or demonize anyone...

And honestly, Kristen, when you wrote to me, "but you seem to be presenting a narrative of adoptive parents 'taking' children from willing first parents"

AND

"...when we are subtly implicated by some as the cause of our child's tragic seperation from their birth family..." I feel completely misread.

Again, I did not say or imply such conclusions in this post or in any of my other posts. If you've ever gathered that, then you are misinterpreting & misunderstanding me completely.

In fact, to reiterate yet again, I wrote:

"I by no means incriminate any single individual nor do I place any ill blame on my own parents--I do believe they are truly decent people with sincere and loving hearts, and I am grateful to call them my parents"

AND

"As I wrote, "Again, this is no reflection on my American parents whom I love and don't want to imagine my life without, but it conveys the reality of how convoluted these adoption situations remain."

I think you heard the exact opposite of the point I was making...I was emphasizing that I don't blame my parents - who are "adoptive" parents but rather that I love them & appreciate them. It does make me feel grossly misunderstood, as though you didn't actually read what I wrote.

Kristen also wrote, "To imply that it is adoption that continues child abandonment is a bit simplistic."

Did I write that? Did I "imply" that? Again, I'm sorry if that's what you interpreted, but I know that's not what I was saying. And I know that's not what I think. And honestly, I did not and have never said anything close to that. Again, most folks who consistently follow my blog know how often I acknowledge how complicated adoption is, while I acknowledged it clearly in this post, particularly when I stated:

"I understand that some of the prohibitions involve cultural stigmas and practices that must also be overcome..."

AND

"Look, I know it's complicated, believe me, I know"

I think these statements clearly address the fact that I recognize, to state just a few, the complexities of adoption, and that it is not so simple. And I have several posts (click here & here & here & here & here, for just a few) that acknowledge in greater detail the emotional & social complexities of adoption.

And just for clarity, people can affect change. There is actually a country where things used to be very similar to the staunch cultural stigmas & pressures that exist in Korea and otherwise, but social change & reform eventually allowed birth mothers to have more of a choice. What country? The United States of America. Back in the 1950's, America was not so unlike Korea when dealing with unwed pregnant women. If you don't believe me, read the book, "The Adoption Reader" that includes autobiographical accounts written by American birth mothers, some whom gave up their children in the 1950's.

And Richerts, as far as the classic, "would you have rather grown up in an orphanage?" I think anyone & everyone knows the answer to that. It's an obvious question with an obvious answer. And again in this post, I think it should be clear what I meant when I wrote:

"There needs to be more of a willingness to give our resources toward family preservation when such is possible."

Notice that I stated, "when such is possible." This statement acknowledges that I understand that there are situations when it is not possible

AND

"...my American parents whom I love and don't want to imagine my life without..." which in my mind communicates how grateful I am for my parents and how much I love them, and how much I am glad that I did not grow up in an orphanage. (In many ways, it's crazy that I should even have to clarify this, and that anyone would think that I, myself would have rather grown up in an orphanage or that I would want any other child to grow up in an orphanage...as I have expressed before in previous posts, my current stance is this: family preservation first, domestic adoption second, IA third, and orphanage or institution last...).

...So again, I really do think Richerts & Kristen you really somehow did not actually read what I wrote, whether by mistake or simply by skimming my post rather than reading it word for word...and you also did not consider my blog as a whole, which is a complex narrative that wrestles and struggles with trying to consider all the sides of the adoption experience...

As far as special needs, and in particular medical needs, there are some organizations that I am personally familiar with including "Smile Train" and the "Unity Medical Fund". These nonprofits provide medical treatment, such as free cleft lip & palate surgeries among other services, to families that otherwise would not have any hope of receiving such medical attention. River Kids is another organization that works specifically toward family & community preservation.

But again, as I indicated, I realize that it is complicated, and financial resources are not the only prohibitions to family preservation: "I understand that some of the prohibitions involve cultural stigmas and practices that must also be overcome..."

Again, Kristen & Richerts & all other readers, I welcome your comments & input. I simply ask that you show me the same patience and forbearance, the same open mind and heart that I strive to give to you by putting my heart on the line every time I share my thoughts and emotions through this blog. It's not easy for me to put my heart out there--it's vulnerable and frightening, but I choose to do so because I think in the long run it can be productive and fruitful not only for my own journey but also for that of readers.

Kristen, you wrote in reference to my blog posts, "one has to wonder how healthy it is to keep reading." I do humbly ask that before you write me off, that you bear with me patiently and with care as I try to work through the realities that I must face as an adoptee. It is overwhelming to try to process ALL the sides and viewpoints and complexities of adoption, but I want to take the time, which is really a lifelong period, to have a balanced perspective that takes into consideration all the various experiences and realities.

I realize this is a difficult subject that evokes intense emotion & reaction, even as I wrote:

"It took me a long time--and I still wrestle with it today--"

As we gain more knowledge & understanding along the way, we need not paint one another into a corner. This is a hard and complex journey, and I can't do it alone. Your own children will be adults like I am one day, and they may at some point need the support & patience to be able to work through similar issues & realities, similar realizations & conflicts, without feeling as though words are being put into their mouths or that what they're currently wrestling with is somehow unacceptable or wrong, but rather to be able to do so with honesty and openness.

We as adoptees need to feel as though those around us have the patience & willingness to bear with us as we face the realities of each of our situations, just as adoptive parents & social workers & others who work within the system desire to have (and yes, even though a system can be broken, I acknowledge that there are still many good people who try to work within that system...my parents included). It's just that we can never think that we have "arrived," whether we are parents or adoptees, because adoption is an evolving process. The minute we think we've got it all figured out is the minute we become stagnant and inadvertently close our minds and hearts to truth and change...

Again, I know adoption is complicated. If anyone knows, I know. Please, just bear with me and understand that I'm doing the best I can to try to synthesize all those inherent complexities.

Furthermore, unfortunately, unethical practices do still persist in IA--that's why ongoing discussion and change is always needed. We just can't ever grow complacent.

You're right that we can't do it all, but we shouldn't shut those out who are trying to honestly discuss the flaws of the system. Countries like Korea and Ethiopia still have not signed onto the Hague, and yet these are some of the most active adopting-out countries...

Also, I have never said that adoptive parents are responsible for severing biological families and if you have consistently read my blog, I have always honored & respected & expressed my love & gratitude for my own "adoptive" parents (I don't even like to call them my adoptive parents in the same way that I don't like calling my "birth" parents my birth parents, but that's a whole other topic...). I simply believe that the system is broken and that the current dynamic is not particularly conducive or supportive to family preservation, simply because so few resources and so little infrastructure are given to foster perserveration.

And again, I mean no disrespect, and I would hope that you would all know that by now...I work very hard to keep my blog a place where I and other can be vulnerable and where everyone can share their input and perspective. We may not always see eye to eye, but I hope that we will always work to be open and caring toward one another, because like you, it is maddening that so much division and misunderstanding exist within the discussion of adoption.

That's all I want--simply a healthy, honest, considerate discussion that hopefully in the long run will cultivate change both on the individual and systemic level.

Oh, and just one more thing, Kristen, my intention is never to "insult adoption," but simply to provide a healthy, constructive critique and to raise awareness, because it's still needed. You would be surprised at the level of ignorance and "savior mentalities, or whatever description du jour..." actually persists even today. It's fortunate that you seem to be surrounded by folks who don't think that way, but I and other fellow adoptees, continue to encounter our fair share of folks who are clueless (read, "The Boy in the Stroller" or you can watch, "First Person Plural" for just a couple of examples...). I'm glad that you don't have to encounter such reactions...I, on the other hand, have to learn to cope with and understand such viewpoints so that I can address them respectfully and yet with the hope that they can change...

Best to all of you.