a Parent Asks Me about "Gotcha Day"

I’ve been getting some great inquiries from adoptive parents as of late. I would like to share some of these inquiries and my responses.

The first I’d like to address is the practice of what is often referred to as "Gotcha Day." An adoptive parent sent me the following inquiry:

What are your thoughts about celebrating "gotcha" day, or as we call it, family day, the day our daughter met her father and brothers. For us it was a wonderful time, a time where our dream of having a daughter came true. But I know now that the gotcha day especially, was not a happy day for her. We ripped her away from all she knew, as the orphanage had when they took her from her foster family, as the foster family had when they took her from her nanny...

Before I share my response, I would like to say that I appreciate the fact that this adoptive parent is willing to not only question her preconceived notions but that she is willing to open herself up to feedback from adult adoptees and alter her perspective and practices accordingly.

I'm sure this topic may stir up some emotions and may cause strong reactions--we can all be honest with one another, but let's just remember to treat others as we also wish to be treated.

The following is the email response I sent (with a few additions) in response to the parent's inquiry:

As far as "Gotcha Day," I have to admit that the name alone makes me wince. I personally think it would be more accurately referred to as "You-lost-everything-you-know-but-let's-not-think-about-that-now-because-WE-are-your-family-now Day."

As far as the actual practice, I personally believe it diminishes from the loss and grief inherent to an adoptee's identity and life. I understand why parents practice it, and I think the heart behind may be right. But the implementation of the good intentions is misguided with the concept of "Gotcha Day."

I personally think it can, although unintentionally, teach the adoptee that he or she should feel only grateful, happy and excited about his or her adoption. I think it can inadvertently communicate to adopted children that they are not allowed to feel angry, hurt, sad, upset about their adoption.

I know parents do not have such intentions, but I'm just expressing that employing such a practice can have unintentional consequences. Birthdays have become increasingly difficult for me, because it functions as a reminder of my abandonment, of my loss of all connection with my original family, culture, language, and origins. My birthday is the day recorded in my file as the day that I was "found abandoned" by my biological mother. Not exactly celebratory in nature.

Even subsequent to reunion with my Korean parents last year (after a 7-year search), my birthday remains of painful reminder of all that was lost. My birthday symbolizes for me deep loss and grief.

How much more does a "Gotcha Day" take a tragedy and coat it with euphemism? Again, please understand, I am not bashing or condemning anyone who practices it, but I am asking that parents simply rethink the practice itself.

In some ways, it'd be like taking the day a loved one died and celebrating it every year as the best thing that ever happened to your family.

No doubt, it is good to remember the one who has died and to have opportunity to reflect on good memories and to honor the person you miss and love. But to celebrate without acknowledging the grief and sadness that is inherent to losing a loved one is cruel and insensitive.

By celebrating a "Gotcha Day" it's almost like you're celebrating the fact that your daughter has lost everything. It's as though you’re celebrating the death of a crucial and vital part of who she could have been.

I know that the intentions behind it are to communicate love and specialness, but if that kind of communication is already woven into the fabric of your family and the relationship between you and your adopted child, then a "Gotcha Day" is not necessary.

I really appreciated the two posts (click here and here to read the pertaining posts, written by adoptive parents) you shared with me. I agree for the most point with what was shared. I agree with the decision not to celebrate a "Gotcha Day," and I agree with the practice of absolute honesty and truthfulness. The truth is painful, for example, when you don't know if the date given is your child's actual birthday. But using euphemism or denial to deal with that truth is more detrimental that simply being honest.

Parents are so afraid that their children won't be able to handle the truth. Honestly, most of the time, they handle it better than we adults do. That is in part, simply because developmentally, the reality of the truth is hard for them to process. However, it is my belief and understanding, that the younger you begin to cultivate the truth with them about their story, the better equipped they will be as they mature developmentally to deal with these hard truths.

Part of the reason I've had so much difficulty as an adult dealing with my adoption issues is because I was never taught or equipped to know that the issues I would face would be normal. My parents never spoke openly with me about my adoption. They made the common mistake of thinking that silence was the best policy, in part because that was the policy that professionals in the field of adoption often taught.

My parents have always been very loving people. But all the love in the world couldn't prepare me for the obstacles and emotional difficulties I would come to face as I matured intellectually and socially. I really believe had they cultivated openness and communication from the beginning, the difficulties I have encountered would not have been so surprising to me. (Again, my parents lacked the resources available to families today, but in some ways I think the current availability of resources leaves adoptive parents today without much excuse.)

Since you have already established a precedent for practicing a kind of "Gotcha Day" or "Family Day," I'm not certain as to what would be best (at least, perhaps referring to it by a different name). You mention that your daughter loves the attention, and so to take it away might feel confusing to her. Whatever you decide, however, again be aware that you might be teaching your daughter that she should feel only happy and grateful about being adopted to America.

I don't know if you already include a celebration of things from her original country as a part of your Family Day or Gotcha Day, but it might help to add those things to it if you decide to continue this practice. It could help to somehow incorporate and include an acknowledgment of the country she came from along with fun facts about the country. I know it's so complicated. I know that ultimately your heart is simply to want to do what is best for you daughter.

Obviously, there is no formula. Whatever conclusion you come to, the most important thing is to continue to initiate and cultivate a relationship with your daughter that teaches her you are a safe place, that you will not get angry or upset with her for the thoughts and emotions within her. Even if she seems to be unresponsive to your prodding, it is important to build that foundation, because being adopted is such a fluctuating process, subject to great change.

There are things that I feel and think now that I NEVER did when I was a teenager. Had you asked me these questions when I was fifteen or even twenty-five, I would have shrugged my shoulders and said, I’m fine with being adopted, and well, I have no desire to know about Korea or my biological family.

And I imagine that by the time I hit my 40's (I'll be 35 in June), my thoughts and attitudes will have shifted again. Adoptive identity is complex and at times, unpredictable simply because as we mature developmentally we may begin to process things that we did not before...

[I have more thoughts, but will share them in a follow-up post]