"As you stated, perhaps to know certainly is better than to not know–at least in my particular situation (but not necessarily in all situations…). But with the knowing and the “new relationship” comes a new kind of pain and a new kind of suffering. Even the idea of a “new relationship” is not wholly accurate, simply because it does not feel new in any way. Rather it feels damaged and marked by tragedy and heartbreak. There is a shared history, but that history is defined by loss and grief, trauma and hardship. There is of course hope, but any relationship we are able to forge will require an amount of hard work, energy, and effort that at times feels overwhelming and elusive…"
As of late, I have been feeling particularly anxious and weepy. I think perhaps in part because of the aforementioned losses that accompany even reunion. I am realizing with increased intensity that the losses that accompany the experience of adoption, search, reunion, and post-reunion are deep and pervasive, and so often, indescribable--so much so that I wonder whether I will ever reach an end to its depths.
And thus far since "reunion," I have actually had the opportunity for ongoing contact with my Korean parents. There are adoptees who make contact but must deal with a biological mother who does not wish to have contact or a relationship, which truly is loss upon loss and of a devastation that I know would crush me completely.
To romanticize and idealize reunion can be hard not to do, particularly if you are standing on the outside looking in. But do not be deceived or fooled, there is a depth of loss that is felt even in post-reunion.
Yet certainly, I will not turn back now that I am here.
But I stay here not because reunion and post-reunion are everything that I could ever dream. I stay here not because it feels like a fairy tale.
I choose to remain here because it is simply who I am. I have nowhere else to go and no one else to be.