Sunday, July 12, 2009

time

Disclaimer: I am going to need A LONG TIME to process this trip to Korea during which I met each of my birth parents. I will try to post what I can, but it is most likely going to be a slow and scattered process.

And some things I may never tell...


* * *

I.

We're finally back to our house. It is absolute chaos.

It looks like our five pieces of luggage exploded all over our house--you'd think I took a hose and sprayed clothing, packages, gifts, shoes, etc. onto the furniture, across the floor, on the ceiling, in the kitchen...

I feel like I am Mayhem--emotionally and physically.

It's going to take some time to get our lives back together. And even more time to begin merging and assimilating these life-altering experiences from the past several weeks into every day life.

Although we were in Korea for only 12 days, I feel as though we've been gone for months, and in some ways, for a lifetime.

II.

Bear with me as I withdraw at times and try to make these experiences my own--before they are inevitably judged and processed by others.

I feel protective of what happened. I wish I could immortalize the memories and keep them safe from the opinions and notions, the ideas and conclusions of those looking on.

So forgive me if I am slow to speak, slow to share what happened.

Give me time...I have waited over three decades for these answers...it may take three more before I understand them...

And even still, I am aware that there are certain answers that may forever elude me...

5 comments:

sherinala said...

"Bear with me as I withdraw at times and try to make these experiences my own--before they are inevitably judged and processed by others.

I feel protective of what happened. I wish I could immortalize the memories and keep them safe from the opinions and notions, the ideas and conclusions of those looking on."
***
Take as long as you need girlie - this is the EXACT same way I felt. You want to keep them to yourself - to OWN them, to be only yours... sharing these experiences is incredibly frightening, but know that we love you and when you're ready will be happy to share them with you!!!

Mia_h_n said...

I was gonna take the exact same quote as Sheri. Although I haven't gone there (yet?) I know exactly what you mean. The fear that sharing will somehow change things...
Besides it JUST happened! Of course you need time to let it all settle in. And perhaps I haven't given you that impression, but I can be patient ;)

Melissa said...

Thank you, Sheri, for all of your support...and understanding.

Melissa said...

Mia! No, no, you have not given me the impression that you are not patient :) Quite the opposite...you have been compassionate and patient...so, thank you.

Wendy said...

We met M's birth family on our journey as well and of course I am processing it as an AP, but I understand what you mean--the processing, the protecting. It was a short time gone, but a long journey and one with so many experiences and moments that will take a long time to fully comprehend.
I am so happy that you were able to make the journey and find so many more pieces to a puzzle that may never be fully solved. Best to you!