Tuesday, February 9, 2010

the Therapy of Art

[dimensions: 15x20 in.]


[dimensions: 15x20 in.]


I.

Sobbing uncontrollably.

I feel as though my heart is going to stop. There are no words. My heart hurts so inexplicably and so profoundly that I fear its weight will wrench so relentlessly that my chest will cave in.

I want these pains, this grief, this impenetrable sorrow to cease. I want the agony to end.

I do not want to cry anymore. I do not want to feel anymore. I do not want to be adopted anymore.

II.

I'm trying to bring order out of chaos.
So many layers. Divided.

But I can't stop crying. I can't stop feeling. I cannot not be adopted anymore. This is how it is. This is my way in life.


* * *

I am friends with too many artists (and married to one) to ever feel comfortable calling myself an artist, but this does not stop me from engaging in my own sessions of "art therapy."

I had a serious moment of meltdown this past weekend, overcome by sobbing and grief, pain and angst. I told my husband that I felt as though my heart would stop, but that I could not find the words to express what I was feeling.

That's when he said, "You wanna do some art?"

Through my tears, I nodded.

Even as I painted, the tears pooled and streamed down my face. My heart continued to ache and twist. Yet, as the night wore on, I felt a deep breath of release, a slow rising of relief as the brush strokes began to say what words could not.


7 comments:

Dutch Korean Adoptee said...

Besides that I like it anyway, because.. I like it, isn't that what art does/can do.. representing (and relieving) (painful) feelings as well for the artist as for the spectator?

Your art does that at least for me.

Mia_h_n said...

I'm forever amazed that you're able to produce such beauty while feeling like you did. Such strength.

Keep it up. I can't wait to see the next one :)

Melissa said...

I'm glad that what I produce/share from my moments of seeming weakness connects with you both.

I think you're right Dutch Korean Adoptee that art serves a dual purpose for both the creator and spectator. Well said :)

Wendy said...

Beautiful release, if only temporary. It is in those moments that I think true art is born.

Melissa said...

Thanks, Wendy. It really does seem that the creative faculties are best utilized during times of intense emotion.

Solim said...

Hi Melissa,
It's Solim. Just wanted to let you know that I changed the url of my blog from www.searchingforsolim.com to www.solimswalkinthepark.blogspot.com. I look forward to reading more your writing. Take care.

Melissa said...

Solim, do you mind if I put a link to your blog on my blog?