Saturday, June 19, 2010

Catch 22

I am my father's daughter.
But which one?
Both.
It can't be both.
Why not?
You have to choose.
But I am choosing--

Both.

No, but we mean, you have to choose
one.

or

the
other.

I choose--

One
and
the Other. or

the Other and
the One.

Why does it matter to you anyway?
this is none of your business,
telling me who I can and cannot
love,

who I am and
am not.

I'm choosing now,
unlike
that time I did not get to.

Choose.

[and a life was chosen
for me]

But it was a better life,
for you.
Smile and bow.

What if
I wince and weep,
instead?

Because now,

I sometimes wish
I could have lived

Two lives.

So nothing and no one
would have been lost.

And no one could tell me that
I must make a choice between
two parts of

me.

Between two parts of
a love that was never meant to
be divided,

never meant to be
pitted

against one
and the other.


10 comments:

Von said...

Thank you for this, beautifully expressed and ever present dilemma for most adoptees.It so goes with the post I did this morning I'd love to post a link if I may.

Mei Ling said...

"Between two parts of a love that was never meant to be divided"

Brilliant.

Gayla said...

Oh wow.

I could feel your ache in your words. It's making my throat tight right now...

Oh, your heart...

Liv said...

"Because now,

I sometimes wish
I could have lived

Two lives.

So nothing and no one
would have been lost."

This expresses what I've been feeling exactly. Thank you for sharing.

Mia_h_n said...

Big hug.

Sandy said...

Absolutely stunning...you have summed up the feelings of tug of war adoptees live their entire life. Thank you.

Yoli said...

Achingly beautiful.

Reena said...

I think your writing is lovely--the felt emotion grabs readers.

I am a white adoptive mom to two very young daughters born in China. I want my girls to grow up knowing it is OK to have the feelings you so eloquently describe.

I want them to feel comfortable talking to me about these feelings and also know that it is OK if they don't want to talk to me about it-- in all instances-- as in they don't have to talk to me. I am not sure this part is making sense. I want them to feel comfortable--actually, maybe secure is a better word-- that they can have all these feelings and questions and it is OK.

I often get the impression from reading Adoptee blogs, that Adoptive Parents feel threatned in some way when their children ask questions or express feelings (sad/angry) about being adopted-- not knowing their birth family, not really knowing/living thier birth culture.

I do not think that feelings of an Adoptee of love/wonder/anger/sadness- the whole host of complicated feelings about thier unknown (or known) birth family and even feeling angry and sad about being adopted--none of this is necessarily a reflection on their feelings toward their adoptive parents and family. It is, I think, a reflection on the circumstance of thier life beginnings.

In my opinon, Children who are adopted are *Both* children of their birth parents and their adoptive parents and in many cases-- also of their foster parents.

I love my girls more than I could ever express and I wish they could live both lives as well. How does that work? Does that even make sense? Adotpion is such a paradox of feelings-- definitely many more complex feelings than adoption agencies address.

Thank you so much for sharing so openly.

Melissa said...

Reena, thank you so much for taking the time to share your insight and thoughts.

You hit the nail on the head with, "the whole host of complicated feelings about thier unknown (or known) birth family and even feeling angry and sad about being adopted--none of this is necessarily a reflection on their feelings toward their adoptive parents and family. It is, I think, a reflection on the circumstance of thier life beginnings."

AND

"In my opinon, Children who are adopted are *Both* children of their birth parents and their adoptive parents and in many cases-- also of their foster parents."

Exactly.

epispeaks said...

amazing. (yeah, i only have that one word. but mostly because what you said is more true than i have words.)