one Degree of Separation

I.

So, back in a previous post, "holy Moley: An Update," I mentioned that the woman who works here in America for Dillon International as the Director of Korea Adoptions was visiting Korea last week?

I just received an email this morning.

She met with my birth father face to face.

They talked with one another. It seems in depth.

They also took some photographs of and with my birth father after the meeting.

I felt elated, shaky, restless as I read the email and gazed at the photos.

Butterflies are still fluttering in my head and gut.

II.

Something that I suspected was also confirmed--my birth father's wife and children know NOTHING about me.

He wants to tell them eventually. He said that he thinks his son will be understanding, but he is less confident about how his wife and daughter will respond.

III.

A deluge of indescribable emotion inundates me, of course. I can't even identify its various currents and directions right now. I just know that it is washing over me.

It feels simultaneously pleasant and ominous. The way I used to feel when I was a little girl swimming out in the open ocean off the shores of the Philippine Islands.

I would take in a deep breath and pull myself under to peer into the pristine and brimming ocean water. I could feel my body drifting and would have to tread to hold my place.

The majesty of it all captivated me with such beauty and marvel.

And yet a gnawing unease would run through my body as I felt the vastness of the uncertain and bizarre ocean waters pressing in against me.

I would have to jerk my head above water before it overtook me.

And although even then, it still felt as though something was sucking at my heels, there was also something wildly adventurous and addicting about the thrill of imagined danger and the endless mystery of a deep, dark unknown.

IV.

Except now, it is not imagined. And there is no jerking my head above the water.

I have thrown myself in, if not be overtaken, then at least to no longer dread drifting and floating out into those uncertain and bizarre waters sucking at my heels.

V.

In May, the Director will be visiting Korea again. During that time, she plans to meet with my birth mother face to face.

VI.

Like I said in the previous post--although we're at only one degree of separation now, it at times feels as though the separation remains a vast chasm, while at other times, it feels all too close.

Nonetheless, those who were once lost and estranged from one another are now being given opportunity to draw near and to overcome that which may still, at times, seem insurmountable yet does not fail to give the hope of healing and reconciliation.

frequently Asked Questions

Really the answer to each one of the following questions could easily be expanded upon and could each become a post in and of itself. Maybe at some point, I will expound.

But for now, this is all that I can churn out.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed and find myself flailing and gasping for breath beneath the behemoth of intellectual and emotional stimulation that this whole process plops on me. I know it's inevitable. But like they say, I've got to eat this thing one little bite at a time. Or else I'll choke.

And seriously, at this point, I can't eat a thing--first I've got to work my way out from underneath it all...Besides, who wants to eat a behemoth, anyway?

I'd rather befriend it, hop on its back, and see to what far parts of the world it takes me.


Why did you decide to search? That's a whole other post really. But to be concise, because I wanted to know the unknown, the why. Is it not natural to want to know one's origins? For the same reasons that families know their genealogies and tell stories about their great grandparents and ancestors, I wanted to know what happened, from where and who I originated.

How long did the search take? About six & half years. I initiated the search in May of 2002. I got the phone call that my birth parents had been located on January 7, 2009.

How do your [American] parents feel about all this? They are very supportive--albeit, naturally and understandably, a bit apprehensive and protective. But what parent would not be? They love me and just don't want any harm to come to me. Yet they understand my need, my drive to want to know and to make the connection.

What's your post-reunion plan? Er, well, I hope for a long-term and healthy reconciliation. But I'm only one factor in this very complex and complicated equation. Ultimately, I cannot control or determine what will happen--I can only decide and control how I will respond to and deal with what does transpire.

Do your [Korean] parents speak English? That would be a negatron. No. They don't speak English. And I don't speak Korean. I'm trying to learn, but, er, that's gonna take some major time and effort. And I have my doubts and insecurities about ever actually mastering the language enough to be fluent.

Do you have [Korean] siblings? That would be a positron. Yes. Four half-siblings. Two on my Korean mother's side and two on my Korean father's side. But at this point I am getting the impression that they know nothing about me. And I do not know whether they will know anything about me in the near future. It's beyond complicated. I also have an uncle and an aunt on my Korean father's side, and two uncles and two aunts on my Korean mother's side. Again, I am not clear as to their knowledge or stance regarding the situation.

I'm sure there are other questions that I'm just not remembering right this moment. If I think of any others, I'll be sure to feed the behemoth.

the Boy in the Stroller: How not to react

I.

I knew better than to drink a cup of coffee at 9 o'clock at night.

Now, it's after midnight.

My mind is racing, and I'm starkly awake when I want to be soundly sleeping.

II.

A conversation took place back in March on a Friday night between my husband and a woman.

I had been debating whether to write about what transpired.

But what the heck. I'm up and feel the need to throw it out there.

III.

In some ways, it was to be expected. You don't set up a "booth" on a sidewalk advertising that you have found your birth parents and that you're trying to meet them in Korea, without anticipating that you might encounter an array of questionable reactions. (To read about that experience, see the pertaining post called, "the Sidewalk")

Why I ventured to engage myself in such an idiotic activity--I don't know. Most likely, absolute desperation, and perhaps an eccentric lapse of logical and consequential thinking. What's that called again? Oh yes, impulsiveness.

IV.

The woman asked my husband, "So, your wife has found her birth parents, and she is trying to meet them in Korea?"

My husband replied, "Yes, that's right," expecting a supportive congratulations and best wishes.

The woman proceeded by practically yelling, "Well, my son is adopted, and he is a gift! And I don't care if he ever finds his birth parents!"

She might as well have slapped both of us in the face and saved her breath. I personally would have preferred the concrete hand print on my cheek over the intangible pang in my gut.

She stomped off, as she jerked the stroller that held her young son, and disappeared.

V.

My heart still wrenches and plummets when I think of the young boy in the stroller.

I will probably always think of him now and in the years to come--wondering what fate came upon him as a result of growing up in such an environment. I cannot call it anything but hostile and ignorant.

Maybe I'm wrong to make such a conclusion without knowing this woman or her background. Maybe she was just having a bad night.

In all honesty, though, I get the feeling, if that's the case, then every night is a bad night, if you know what I mean. May her mind and heart find better understanding and enlightenment, if not only for the sake of her son.

My heart is with that little boy, and I hope and pray that he will ultimately find his way.

After Losing Freedom, Immigrants Face Losing Custody of Their Children

What do you think about this? (To read the article, simply click on the title.)

nine More Weeks

I.

We officially received confirmation of our airline tickets.

Only nine more weeks.

And we'll be shaking out our wings to take flight over and across the ocean to a land called Korea.

II.

Mike and I have been watching videos posted on You Tube of different Korean apartments, the outdoor markets in Seoul and Busan, and of course, city fashion. I caught a few more videos this morning of Insadong, Namdaemun, and Itaewon.

The set up of the bathrooms in Korean apartments is quite noteworthy. The bathroom IS the shower (one of many videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5886wD-YSY&feature=related). I realize that this is a space-saver and in some ways, quite practical, but if the places at which we're staying have this set up, it will certainly require some adjustment on my part.

And I'm, well, a little perplexed on how you keep things dry--like your towel and the toilet paper--in a set up like that...? I guess storing such items in the bathroom makes less sense when the bathroom is the shower?

III.

But nonetheless, I like new settings, and as odd as it may seem, I'm excited about experiencing the seemingly quirky and idiosyncratic characteristics (simply because they are not to what I am accustomed) of a country and culture that are still new to me and yet a part of me.

Viewing the videos of the outdoor markets in both Seoul and Busan excited me and made me all the more eager for the following nine weeks to pass quickly. Some of the cuisine definitely makes me a little nervous and squeamish, and yet equally fills me with impatient anticipation for the ensuing adventure.

IV.

My husband said the other night that he feels like we'll be flying to Mars.

I laughed and said, "It's just another country."

And yet quite honestly, I can completely relate to what he is feeling. Although I may be able to blend in superficially, I am still going to feel like the one nut in a basket of plums, if you know what I mean.

No worries, though. Really, I guess that'll be nothing new for me anyway--I've spent most of my life being the nut around here...

Smile, wink.

Mathematics

I am walking around in the darkness
up some kind of 90 degree angle.
the math sounds impossible,

but that is just what makes it possible--

in a place like this.

I like to say that my face has character,
"it is well-traveled," I believe I have written
in some other attempt to avoid acknowledging
that I am beaten-down and torn.

(it is the discarded furniture that the euphemistic
qualify as having "charm")--even charm will
age beyond. the reach of euphemism--

so, I buy these labels and
picture boxes and
tiny, round glass jars.

to catalog proof of my humanity:

I tend to claw and ravage
like a starving animal.

something primitive still ticks. and. tocks
in the darkness waiting to be filled among--
the neurons and
synapses--

where mystery jumps the gaps: you will feel me
with your microscope and tweezers

I am only matter
collecting in your beaker,

vapor rising from
your Bunsen burner.

but the light you poke into the darkness
cannot find its home here.
because the math. here. is impossible--

the absurd and uncooperative angles. inspire
alone the simple--

who cannot be deceived
by the trickery of the
inflated and the greedy calculations of the
man who loves to think we can conquer

everything.

I will keep living among the impossible
where my face will continue to gather-- character.

and perhaps, one day, I will no longer
require proof of my humanity--

I will lose my labels and
picture boxes. and
tiny, round glass jars.

I will find no darkness. no gaps.

I will find the eternity of

the simple.

holy Moley: An Update

I.

So, the airline tickets are being purchased. We're simply waiting on a confirmation of the flight itinerary from the Tour Coordinator.

We received a packet about a week ago that included luggage tags, various brochures and pamphlets of information, along with the itinerary for the twelve days we'll be in Korea.

It's a good mix of activities. I have been told, though, that I can move at my own pace, and that should I need a break or just some time to rest and process, I am in no way obligated to participate on any given day.

We will be visiting an orphanage and a home for unwed birth mothers.

II.

A tentative date--the day after we arrive in Korea--has been set for the first meetings with each birth parent.

I think I'll be keeping Kleenex and Puffs in business for the months to come.

III.

Just a few random things I have recently been learning about Korea :

1. US beef jerky & honey are coveted items.
   
2. Gift-giving is a very important tradition.
   
3. Don't ever write a living person's name in red.
4. The word for the number "4" is the same as the word for "death." Therefore, often the number 4 is avoided similarly to the way that the number 13 is avoided in the U.S.
5. Wearing all white would be a little weird (the color worn at a funeral).
6. Korea has a bullet train that goes from Seoul to Busan in less than 3 hours!
7. It is rude to wave someone to you with the palm up. Palm must be facing down.
8. It is sweltering, spicy hot during the summer months.
9. I like the language but get easily frustrated & hyper-emotional when trying to learn it.
10. Hugs are not the norm.
11. The idea of being surrounded by all things Korean still makes me nervous & overwhelmed.
12. Harley Davidson has a major following. Check out this commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pquHwjFjAM8
13. You need to buy a voltage adapter if you visit. (This one is a bit more obvious & common sense).
    
14. The flag is called "Tae Guk Gi." (For more info on the flag visit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flag_of_South_Korea)
15. I'm still struggling with conflicting, push-pull sentiments toward Korea.
16. I know I've learned more and will need to learn more, but that's all I can think of at the moment.

IV.

The woman who has been my primary contact and mediator for the past seven years, Dukkyung, had mentioned that she might have the opportunity to visit Korea this month of April.

She told me that if she did happen to make the trip that she planned to talk with each one of my birth parents while she was there.

Well, she's there. Right now. I'm not sure when she is scheduled to talk with each of them. Or if she has already.

What am I thinking?

WOAH. That's what I'm thinking.

Only one degree of separation is what I'm thinking.

It's borderline weird and wacky, I know--like people who go to some exhibit hoping to touch or at least gaze upon some article that is believed to have once belonged to a "saint" or those who attend an auction to bid on a pair of sandals once strapped to the feet of Ghandi.

I can't help it. But I'm thinking, when I speak with Dukkyung, I'll only be one person away from each of my birth parents. When I meet Dukkyung in L.A. and shake hands with her for the first time, as we board the same airplane on our way to Korea, I will be shaking the hand of someone who has met my birth parents, who has exchanged meaningful words with both of them.

Of course, don't worry, I'm not really that far out there. I don't think my birth parents are "saints," and although I respect Ghandi's life, I wouldn't pay millions of dollars for his shoes--he was after all just a man--albeit, a man who did some extraordinary things. All I'm saying is that I'm trying to keep my head and heart straight--I'm not intending to go bizarre and kooky by putting anyone on a pedestal and "worshiping" those who were not made to be worshiped, if you know what I mean.

But I am a sentimental kind of person. And in the same way that I hold onto to certain photographs and items because they symbolize for me the emotional and personal connection I possess for those who mean the most to me--Dukkyung's return from Korea symbolizes that I am just one step closer to coming into contact with the ones for whom I have searched and wandered for so long.

No matter the outcome--these lifetime unknowns are finding some answers. And some is better than none, in this case.

I am so anxious for her to return to the States--to hear all that she has to say.

V.

Oh, one other thing I don't think I've mentioned...if I have, I'm sure you'll understand...

When my birth father first got the news that my husband and I would be traveling to Korea this summer, he responded with such eagerness that he said he wanted to meet us at the airport upon our arrival.

I was certainly encouraged by this information.

For obvious reasons, we're going to wait to meet in a setting that is more private, intimate, and controlled than an international airport.

Nonetheless, I was happy to know that he was so eager to greet us. It gives me hope that we will all be able to work through this complex, delicate set of circumstances in due time.

VI.

This is really happening.

Oh my.
Holy.
Moley.