Monday, February 9, 2009

more Photos & the chance to Choose..


(I have removed the photos for sake of privacy)

I.

Here are two more photos of my birth parents! This photo of my birth mother appears as though it may have been taken at a shrine somewhere in Korea; it also appears to be more recent than the first one I posted--so it may be more representative of what she looks like currently.

And boy, you gotta love this photo of my birth father on his Harley wearing the full getup to match! The first time I saw this photo I smiled and laughed out loud. I love it!

I posted the photo of myself (with my lovely friend) to show the similarities in my birth father's and my facial structure...although the poor resolution makes it less obvious. I most definitely have my birth father's cheekbones and jaw line, even a little of his smile...A friend of mine commented that I seem to have my birth father's "lower face" and my birth mother's "upper face." I think that's a fair assessment...

II.

I have one more photo of my birth mother and three more photos of my birth father...although, I don't know whether I will be posting all of them...There is a part of me that hesitates. I think perhaps it is the part of me that wants to keep them to myself. The part of me that wants to continue to revel in this time as long as it may last...

I do not mean to be selfish...but there is something about putting it all out there that makes me feel as though I am in some way diminishing from its significance and preciousness. And I also think a part of me feels protective, defensive, sensitive? Does this make sense?

III.

And yet there is still a part of me that wants to share this incredible happening with the world...because regardless of the difficulties and turmoil that await, regardless of the long-term outcome, it is truly inspirational and rousing , at least it is to me...

This whole event, this indescribable journey feels very similar to the time that my husband proposed to me.

We both knew that marriage is no light matter. We knew that entering into marriage with one another would change our lives forever. We knew that difficulty and hardship would come and that marriage is so much more than mush-gushy feelings and romantic escapades.

But of course, when he proposed, there was no way that I could keep the news to myself!

And even though we both were in touch with the harsher realities of marriage, those realities did not obscure the absolute joy and thrill of getting married, of devoting our lives to one another as long as we both shall live.

Even knowing that hard times would come, even knowing that we would drive one another insane, we still chose wholeheartedly to take the leap! And we are both so thrilled and happy that we did.

Of course, our marriage is not perfect. But it is completely worth it--worth the hard work and the sacrifices. The benefits far outweigh any inconveniences or turmoil that we encounter as we go through life together.

IV.

In the same way, now that my birth parents have surfaced and are alive and well, I cannot keep it to myself! My heart and mind feel as though they are bursting...

Even though I know the road to reunion will be full of obstacles and hardship, difficulty and misunderstandings, unanticipated twists and roadblocks, I cannot proceed in any other way than with all my heart and all the hope and love that I have to offer...

Perhaps I am a fool in this way. But I am not a naive fool. I suppose I am an educated fool...despite the logic and knowledge I know, despite the naysayers and doubters within my own mind and without, I can only run into the storm bracing myself as I hope to emerge on the other side better for having taken such a risk...

In some ways I have always been drawn to peril and danger, whether physical or emotional...

I think in part I am compelled to do this, because I know that ultimately, this is my choice. I am choosing this path. And with the capacity to make such a choice also comes a sense of inexplicable freedom and power in having the ability to choose.

Whatever may come, whatever consequences or difficulty may follow, I will know that I got myself into this predicament. I will have no one else to blame but myself. And in that, I am more than willing to take responsibility and face whatever fate awaits.

V.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude and hope as my eyes fill with tears to finally have such an option. To finally have such a journey to face...and certainly, I can be confident that no residue of regret will remain once I have come to the end of this journey, to the other side of this tempest...

I feel as though my life is being given back to me...that I am receiving a second chance...the very opportunity to choose--the opportunity, that before I could even speak, eluded my existence...

Finding my birth parents certainly is not and will never be the answer to all my problems. It is not the cure.

But certainly, it is a significant and gargantuan missing piece that has been retrieved, recovered--excavated from the deep.

And when such a piece is uncovered, the power and meaning of all the history and knowledge, all the answers to the unknowns that it allows itself to offer cannot be denied. At least, I will not be one to deny it and all that is has to give. I will seize it with all my being!

To quote the words of my birth mother written to me in her first letter to me..."I feel like I own the world!"

I know that I will not always feel this way...but to live in the moment is what I choose today.


3 comments:

sherinala said...

OMG - I understand - TRULY UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING in your blog. You speak so poignantly. And I just kept wanting to say, "YES! I KNOW! YES!!!!" haha...

It is a second chance, and this time around, WE have the power; WE HAVE a choice. It is VERY empowering, freeing, and uplifting.

Third Mom said...

Thank you for sharing this with the world. You have no idea how much hope you give me that someday my kids will be able to share the same experience!!!

Re this: "I do not mean to be selfish... And I also think a part of me feels protective, defensive, sensitive? Does this make sense?"

It makes perfect sense. You should be sharing only what feels right to YOU - not what you think the world expects. After a lifetime of having others in charge of your family relationships, you own this journey at last!!

Melissa said...

Thanks for the affirmation, Third Mom! And what a journey this is...it feels so wild yet so enlivening...Thanks for joining me on this journey...