Thursday, March 12, 2009

beware of the Plunge

I.

I hear all the little voices of those who tell me to beware of dreaming. Who tell me to watch out. To be careful. To not expect too much. I hear all the horror and tragedy.


I have always heard those little voices. They mean well, I know. They mean no harm, and they intend to protect and to guard.

But I want to block them out. To barricade my thought and emotion to them.

I want to believe momentarily that this story currently unfolding can have a happy ending. Can become something inspirational and mind-blowing. The fairy tale brought to reality.

Cryogenics may be appropriate here. Wild and mad science, I beckon you, please, to come preserve this moment in time.


II.

We have decided to take the plunge.

Barring catastrophe, my husband and I will travel to Korea this summer to visit the land in which my existence began, and for the first time to meet my birth mother and birth father after almost thirty-four years since my exchange from the arms of one to the arms of another.

III.

Words cannot begin to express the vortex of emotion circulating within me. The quicksand of thought and anticipation ready to swallow me and take me to another world both horrific and gorgeous, terrifying and spectacular.

What awaits on the other side? Where will I find myself?

I have no control over how this story will evolve. I cannot choose how my birth family is going to respond to me.

I can only choose what my part will be. I can choose who I will be as I have made the decision of my own volition to jump into this wonder of nature that has opened up before me.


IV.

To those who feel protective of me, who want to save me from disappointment or hurt, all I can say is to allow me to dream for now. To revel.

Allow me this moment of hope and fantasy before we take the plunge into the dark and unknown abyss. There will be plenty of time for disappointment and hurt to ensue and take hold.


For now, allow me this moment to cling to what hope still reaches out for me.

I am not naïve to the myriad of potential scenarios of disaster and strife. One does not search years and years for those who relinquished you without imagining all that could or could not happen...

For now, I prefer to wait until the bridge to hope and triumph explodes before my own eyes. Until then, I am making my way to that bridge with the sight of the other side within my vision.


And should the bridge come tumbling down, I most certainly will need to call upon you to help me pick up the pieces.

V.

I am an admirer of Helen Keller. What a resilient and undaunted spirit she possessed. Some of her elegant and passionate words capture well that which I am experiencing within my heart:

"Darkness cannot shut me in again. I have had a glimpse of the shore, and can now live by the hope of reaching it."

"…although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it…”

“I am never discouraged by the absence of good. I never can be argued into hopelessness. Doubt and mistrust are the mere panic of timid imagination, which the steadfast heart will conquer and the large mind transcend."

VI.

Not that I possess a steadfast heart or a large mind…but her words inspire me to attempt to attain to at least an inkling of such a mindset.

That I will not be discouraged by the absence of good. That I cannot be argued into hopelessness. That I will not give way to the prohibitions of a timid imagination.

But rather that I will be bold in my hopes and dreams. That I will not allow mere panic to take hold of me and steal away the triumph and victory being given to me in this moment.


That I will not allow myself to become enslaved to the potentially abrasive judgments and cynical subversions of often well-intentioned doubt and mistrust.

That I will no longer allow myself to play the role of victim.

I am not a victim.

VII.

This is often the way I do things.

I plunge head first with all my heart, mind, body and soul into unknown waters. Full of hope and desire. Sometimes things work out fantastically. Other times, well, I do a belly flop and flail about in pain from the loud and harsh smack to my system.


It’s a risk I am willing to take. With a nervous smile on my face, and a sweaty palm pressed into the strong and loving hands of my loved ones,
I will take this plunge.

And just like that, risk and adventure will fall to fly hand in hand.

4 comments:

sherinala said...

BEAUTIFUL writing, Melissa! I am SO excited for you! And I am always here if you ever need to vent, cry, laugh, yell, etc! I will dream too, that your reunion will be EVERYTHING and more that you are hoping and praying it will be!! xoxo

Third Mom said...

"For now, allow me this moment to cling to what hope still reaches out for me."

I believe that hope is a self-fulfilling prophecy; when we hope, we find ways to make our hopes real.

Keep hoping, keep focusing on the outcome you want, and I believe it's possible.

Melissa said...

Thank you, ladies, for you support and thoughtfulness!

Melissa said...

Keep the cynics at bay; dream big. Remember so many have been inspired already...it has allowed me to dream big for my daughter's visions and dreams, if they travel down the same road that yours have. Life is to be lived to the full, without regret and without holding back. I admire you so much!!!