Monday, May 18, 2009

the Swell

I.

I am tearing in between. My heart feels as though it is shrinking. My mind is running off with itself.

I feel alone.

I feel, at times, that those closest to me are furthest away. I reach out to grasp the love that lingers—it dissipates as vapor.

Cure me of this isolation, this depth of emotion that threatens to consume me.

II.

My intellect knows that I am not alone; I am not drowning—

I am surfacing, emerging.


There is hope resting at the bottom of Pandora’s box.

So can I crawl inside and pull the lid over me?

III.

Yet I know that when we are given hope—we are to keep none for ourselves.

Hope dies locked up in a box.


We hold onto hope for a time but at some point, we must let go—we must set it free that it may spread itself out and accomplish that which it was conceived to do.

My hope is so heavy, so parturient, so vast—I think it is crushing me.

I want to somehow contain all that is seeping out from within me, but I know that I cannot be contained—lest I explode.

I feel myself swelling, bloating, stretching—at some point, I must cut myself open, reach out my hands to pour out that which writhes and proliferates within me…

With such a vulnerability and determination that something magnificent will have opportunity to take root and find birth.

8 comments:

Mia_h_n said...

the art of letting go...not my strong suit. But I too, am working on it so something better may emerge.
Is that even what you meant? That's just what clicked in me :)

Melissa said...

You got it, Mia! Well said...letting go truly is an art...one that I don't anticipate I'll ever perfect, but at least one in which I can continue to grow...

Mei-Ling said...

Whoa. Did you use a thesaurus for this post? ;)

Melissa said...

Mei-Ling, you make me laugh :D No, i didn't use a thesaurus ;) But I did used to read the dictionary and take notes on it when I was in high and college...Yes, I'm a word geek (although, my vocabulary pales in comparison to a lot of peeps I know...) I've always loved language and the myriad of words it has to offer... ;) But somehow, no matter how many words I learn, I can never quite find the right combination to adequately or accurately express exactly what this whole adoption experience is like...so I just keep writing again and again hoping that at some point I'll stumble upon what I've been trying to say my entire life...somehow, though, I don't think that's ever quite going to happen...if you know what I mean...

Melissa said...

Er, I meant to say "in high school"...ha...

Mia_h_n said...

Melissa, a walking, talking thesaurus...and a little "high" helps when you're trying to find some good words, I imagine ;)

sherinala said...

I am tearing in between. My heart feels as though it is shrinking. My mind is running off with itself.

I feel alone.

I feel, at times, that those closest to me are furthest away. I reach out to grasp the love that lingers—it dissipates as vapor.

Cure me of this isolation, this depth of emotion that threatens to consume me.

Hi! I'm catching up with your blogs :) It WILL consume you, but I believe that it is the only way to allow ourselves to completely and truly begin the healing process.

This is a huge milestone for any adoptee in search of their past. And our roots - well... they are the furthest away, but I pray that they will also be so near to you that you can remember or think of them and be insulated with their love!

Melissa said...

Sheri, thank you! Your insight is priceless...and helps me to keep things in perspective.