Monday, May 11, 2009

horizon

I.

I tell myself that there is no longer any need or reason to be tragic.

All the tragedy and drama are being driven out. Right?

The unknown is being made known.
That which was secret is being revealed.
Those who were abandoned are being retrieved.

II.

And yet I cannot deny this reservoir of emotion still pooling within—all these tears pushing at my eyes and tightening in my throat?

Perhaps it is as has been said before—there are some wounds that never fully heal; hurts from which we never completely recover.

III.

Finding my birth parents and answers to lifetime unknowns do not function as an ecumenical poultice.

Indeed, the process of being “reunited” can bring healing and comfort, but it cannot—and hence one should not expect such—instantaneously cure one of all turmoil and pain.

There is something in me trying to convince myself that this will “fix me.” I think it is perhaps natural to desire such. Who does not desire wholeness and completion?

But I know this isn’t something to be “fixed.” But rather lived.

To try to attain completion by insufficient and incompatible means only leads to more heartache and disappointment. Never will one single event of this world cure any one person of the deep emotional wounds common to man and that forever compel us to seek remedy.

IV.

I know that there are those who might presume, with good intentions that now that my biological parents have emerged, I have arrived.

I will admit honestly that in some ways, I have. I am not trying to take away from what a difference, what a relief comes with finding one’s biological origins. I already feel so different and so much more empowered and complete.

But I guess my point is that we often neglect the post-reunion.

On the front end is the novelty, the excitement. But as the journey continues—that’s when we really need to pay attention.

V.

It’s like comparing a wedding and a marriage. The wedding is the most joyous of occasions. Everyone celebrates and rejoices with the new couple. A day always to remember.

But it is only the beginning.

The marriage is ultimately what counts. The marriage is what will need constant attention and maintenance. The marriage is the post-reunion. It’s not going to magically come to together without hard work and effort. And you better believe hurt feelings and conflict will come.

As wondrous and as magical as the wedding was the marriage will only thrive if the couple continues to pour themselves into their relationship, no matter what strife and hardship they encounter.

So it will be with the post-reunion. My initial meetings with my biological parents are only the beginning.

This is only the beginning.

VI.

The road a thousand miles down is for what I am bracing myself. Getting in the car is easy. It’s staying in the car when the drive gets treacherous and the roads get dangerous that will test my heart and my motivation.

I’ve changed the oil and gotten the alignment checked. I’ve locked the door. I have fastened my seatbelt tightly around my torso.

And although my eyes are fixed on the road ahead, there is no horizon in sight.

6 comments:

Mia_h_n said...

I can understand the longing and hope for the reunion to bring healing and get you closure and make everything okay. I think that's very natural.

However, my point of view is also that getting the answers from your birth parents and getting a better understanding of the circumstances doesn't erase what happened. It doesn't necessarily heal all the wounds. In fact I'd find it wierd if it did..!

So I think it's good to be realistic about it and even though you may have arrived, your past still happened. Meeting birth family might be a very helpful tool in the healing process, but it's not a cure.

You know I'm very focused on post re-union and that is the long haul. So I think that even though your parents have been found, it's not strange at all that you're still in turmoil. You haven't even met them yet so almost all of your questions still needs answers.

I imagine it'll be a while before the tears stop and the nerves get under control...:)

I'm here if you need me..

Mei-Ling said...

Oftentimes I think the problem is that even though you DO get to go into reunion, you are still affected by what happened in the past despite the opportunities you receive in the future.

You were adopted - so you don't really speak Korean, which will inevitably impact your reunion with your Korean parents. Yes, you are lucky you get to reunite, but the language aspect does have a tremendous impact on your reunion and that has to do with your past of being adopted...

How many more weeks do you have left until you depart for Korea?

Melissa said...

Mia & Mei-Ling, as always thank you for your insightful comments and support :) This certainly is quite the adventure!

Mei-Ling, I have six weeks (or 5 1/2 weeks, to be exact) before the big trip! Your trip is right around the corner, though, isn't it?! I find myself saying feeling a bit dazed & confused these day...but that's to be expected, I suppose...

Mei-Ling said...

Yeah, mine's on June 3rd. Scary feeling.

I remember when I hit the 6 week landmark - I kept saying "eh, I still have over a month."

Um, a month will FLY by! XD

Keeping you close by in my prayers! ^_^

sherinala said...

OMG - this is SO PERFECT! I understand exactly about the 'wholeness,' and the journey. One thing I have found lately is that since the search is over, it is a new beginning. But yet, nothing seems as monumental as the search and the reunion.

I hope you can cherish it, and live it, and allow yourself to feel. for it is an amazing and precious, untouchable journey that only we can navigate, and only we can endure.

It doesn't "fix" everything, but i hope it will give you a feeling of satisfaction, or at least a new sense of peace within you.

thinking of you, and i'm here!

Melissa said...

Wow, Mei-Ling...June 3rd! Woah. You're going to blink your eyes and you'll be there...

Sheri!!! Yay! Thank you for your encouraging words...I know you understand! 5 more weeks...! I'm trying to keep it together, but I definitely am beginning to feel the "crunch."