Tuesday, November 10, 2009

pace

I have waited for this all my life.

Yet already, I grow weary.

It is not that I am wishing for something else. I do not regret the room of simultaneous horror and joy that I have found.

But I realize that this process imitates the nature of a marathon; I need to pace myself accordingly.

* * *

I feel guilty for feeling the way that I do—for feeling the need to take a break, for feeling the need to retreat.

And yet, just as the body needs time to recover from extensive physical exertion, so the mind and heart need times of rest and recuperation from periods of intense and prolonged emotional exertion.

The past ten months have indeed been a marathon of emotional toil and labor. And that’s in addition to the preceding seven years of emotional perplexity and strife as I searched for those whom I have now found.

Again, it is not that I am despairing or lamenting.

It is not that I am second-guessing.

It is simply that I am completely exhausted and enervated.

I want to be full of excitement and thrill. I want to be bubbly and happy, and somewhere underneath this haze, I believe I am.

But right now, I see an image of myself in my mind that has the look of a woman with her head and shoulders slumped over, heels dragging, legs quivering, and eyes heavy.

* * *

I need to write a letter back to my Omma.

I need to fight to keep in contact with my Appa.

I do not want to lose the connection that has been so delicately and carefully forged. And yet, I seem barely able to find the strength to lift my mind and to take hold of my heart long enough to build the words and fortify the emotions necessary to continue.

I know that eventually I will.

Ultimately, I want this to last.

* * *

For now, I just need to take a deep breath, close my eyes, and find the rest for which my mind and heart are aching.


4 comments:

Mia_h_n said...

I'm not surprised you feel a bit crushed at the moment. Just think of all that you've been through.

But it IS a marathon so even though you feel the need to keep in touch you also need to let yourself breathe, to pace yourself.

In the long run the time to gather new strength will be time well spent. You can only run on fumes for so long.

Wendy said...

I wonder if it is even more than a marathon, a lifetime of running, preparing to run, and running again. The pace slows and quickens as information, events, and coping control what the mind can absorb and has to compartmentalize for another day.

I think maybe the issue comes from the hope that the main event will one day come, then it does and you realize it was not a main event afterall. It is the start of a new reality, one that elates, brings you to your knees, helps you find peace and control and then reopens your eyes to the lack of control and endless need for information not revealed (some that may never be). It takes endurance. A lot of strength, endurance and yes, rest.

Stay in touch with your thoughts, you know what your mind needs. Here is to a time of rest and peace so rejuvenation comes again.

Thinking of you. THANK YOU again for your emails and your thoughts.

Here is to a lasting friendship.

Anonymous said...

Hi Melissa,

I cried when I read your post today...finally, I have found someone who understands exactly how I feel but was unable to express myself. Your words are beautiful! I am on the journey to find my birth family... unfortunately, I don't believe I ever will.

I'm glad you did and I wish you nothing but love and peace in your journey.

Natasha Na

Melissa said...

Thanks Mia and Wendy for your supportive and understanding words!

Natasha, please feel free to email me and keep in touch...that's in part what this blog is for--to be able to connect with fellow adoptees and other who are affected by adoption...