Thursday, January 7, 2010

nutshell

If you have ever lost, if you have ever felt lost, then you know.

You know that some things we learn only through experience. You know that some things we come to understand only after we have been swallowed up by them.

Some hopes become reality in ways that leave us still aching and still longing for something more.

It is not that I like being insatiable. It is not that I enjoy feeling as though I move through life like a black hole. My voraciousness leads me only into a constant state of desperate starvation—never satisfied, never fulfilled.

Never at peace.

Always groveling and grappling for something else—whether it be more or less—just something different. Something to take me away from where I am at that moment. Something to appease the nagging restlessness, the consuming void—that woman staring back at me.

* * *

I am exhausted. Undone.

I have forgotten myself.

This year has taken me with it and never brought me back.

* * *

I need a release. I need time to process all of this emotion. I feel emotionally stuffed. I cannot eat another bite.

And yet I feel hungry. I feel starved.

* * *

Exactly one year ago today on January 7, 2009, I got THE call. My biological mother and father had been found after seven years of searching for them.

This journey has been so much more than I expected and so many things that were unexpected. So much has transpired since then, while so much continues to unfold.

Life has been hectic and chaotic.

There are still days that I feel continuously on the verge of tears. There are others day that my mind goes numb and forgets all that has changed.

The new burden is one that I am more than willing to carry, and some may believe it is a lighter burden, an easier burden to bear. In some ways, it may be. But more so than being lighter or easier, it is simply different. In many ways, better, and in other ways, harder, and certainly more complicated.

* * *

The silence on my blog indeed has been an indication of my emotional stagnation, or perhaps more so my emotional procrastination, particularly in the face of a continuous onslaught of emotionally demanding circumstances.

As the year wore on, the backlog of unprocessed emotions and events seemed to force me into an almost necessary and involuntary hiatus from processing those very emotions and events. Life became so hectic and so fat with one event after another that there was neither time nor room to begin the process of sorting through it all.

* * *

Here is our year in a nutshell: [I know the formatting is haywire, but such is my life right now--I don't have the time to fix it]

January 7, 2009: Got THE CALL that my biological parents had been located & contacted

February 2009: Began fundraising efforts for a potential trip to Korea in June; received first correspondence from biological parents in the form of letters & photos

March 2009: Received a second set of letters & photos from biological parents

April 2009: Continued fundraising efforts to meet the first deadline for the fees for the trip to Korea

May 2009: Continued fundraising frenzy to meet the second deadline for the fees for the trip to Korea

June 2009: Finalized fees; traveled to Korea for 2 weeks with my husband; met each of my biological parents for the first time

July 2009: Upon returning from Korea, flew to visit my American parents

August 2009: Continued correspondence with biological parents in the form of letters

September 2009: Returned to Korea for two weeks for a second visit [but without Mike]; met more extended family while in Korea; upon returning to the States, made first contact with a biological cousin who also lives in the States

October 2009: Met my biological father's older brother (my Uncle) for the first time; flew out to visit my American parents for my Dad's 75th birthday


November 2009: Traveled to be with my husband’s Aunt in ICU after she

sustained serious head trauma in a car accident


December 2009: Mike & I got into a serious 3-car accident (car was totaled); that same day, we got a phone call that his Aunt had died; scrambling to deal with auto insurance & settlement & finding a new car in time for the holidays; traveled to visit Mike’s family for the holidays

January 2009: Traveling to meet for the first time more of my biological/Korean family

* * *

And quite honestly, that’s only the half of it. For the sake of privacy and out of consideration, there are plenty of other events & happenings that I have omitted.

I’m not trying to play the violin here—don’t take me as na├»ve, I realize that are a whole lot of other people who had and have a whole lot more going on.

This is just an explanation, only in part, of why I have been so silent and why I am moving so lethargically.

A fellow Korean adoptee recently contacted me concerned about my emotional state. I am concerned, too. But sometimes you must simply meet the demands of life regardless of what you’re feeling. I trust that reprieve and rest will come in due time.

For now, my husband and I are off to meet a few more members of my biological/Korean family for the first time. I would like to write more about it all, but as has been the case lately, I am out of time.

I anticipate eagerly the days when I will be able to return to my blog, and ultimately, enjoy a time of reflection and restoration.

For now, my husband and I trek on.

* * *

[Thank you for your concern, my friend. I really will be fine.]

5 comments:

sherinala said...

OMG you're going AGAIN!? jealous you get to go 3 times in one year ;)

i love your blog - it is so insightful. and you can get thru it - don't worry. just breathe and let yourself do what you need to do!!

Sending huggggggs!!

Mia_h_n said...

"But sometimes you must simply meet the demands of life regardless of what you’re feeling." So true and I have no doubt you'll be able to do so.

I just had to say it, you know? ;)

Wendy said...

Just glad to know you are doing okay. What a year full of ups and downs. Wishing this year you can enjoy the new, move on from the pain, and find more answers and stronger bonds.

julieohmchang said...

love you and thinking of you!

Melissa said...

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement.

[Oh, and Sheri, sorry, I didn't go to Korea for a third time. That would have actually been a bit too much for me! It was here in the States. It was much to my surprise, but I have blood relatives in the U.S.! So, don't be jealous...*smilewink*].