I think she is a TAD self centered. Find a balance lady!

[Thank you, Amanda at The Declassified Adoptee for furnishing the following quote:]

"Adult adoptees are a primary source for knowledge about adoption as an institution. Their perceptions are unique, for adult adoptees are actually the only persons who can tell us what it is like to live adoption in a society in which most people are not adopted."

~Child Welfare League of America

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Wow, so someone in a forum, China Adopt Talk Forum, linked to my most recent post, "A Few Pet Peeves." It was interesting to say the least to stumble across different people's, particularly AP's outside of my blog, reactions to what I said. First of all, apparently, it is proven again and again, that no matter what disclaimers or clarifications I add, folks always manage to misinterpret or completely miss my point. Oh well, that's just the way the poo hits the fan sometimes.

Most interesting, however, was the following response to my post directed at me made by DivaMamma: "I think she is a TAD self centered. Find a balance lady!" Followed by several other AP's who concurred with her statement in one form or another. (But it seems the majority got what I was saying...)

Certainly, everyone is entitled to their opinion. And who knows maybe the woman is right...maybe I'm a tad self-centered. I've honestly never thought of myself in that way, but it never hurts to be willing to examine oneself and be willing to consider the criticisms of others.

I do want to clarify for others, however, that contrary to what one may assume, I don't blog about my experiences, because I enjoy talking about myself or because I think I'm the best thing to come along since YouTube or because I think I have something more important to say than others do. But, obviously, I do have some things to say.

For a little "behind the scenes," every time I hit the "publish" button, I tremble a bit and a little shot of anxiety runs through me, because I know that someone is going to have something not so pleasant to say or I'm going to upset someone or most often, someone is going to misinterpret or misjudge what I am actually saying. I can take it--it's not a problem. It comes with the territory. I realize that I'm opening myself up to criticism and misinterpretation by blogging. But blogging is actually a vulnerable art for me. It scares me at times and despite what folks may think, it's not easy putting my heart out there and sharing so openly and honestly. I'm actually pretty sensitive, but over time, I've learned to manage it and not take things so personally, even when they're personally directed. Everyone has their reasons...

But I continue to blog about my experiences, because I do actually think it might help others, which I guess, to some folks could be identified as being vain or self-centered, because inherent in my logic is the assumption that by sharing my experiences others may benefit. Maybe that's conceited. But how else are we to reach out and help one another if we never think we have anything valuable to offer?

I'm pretty much guessing that most of the folks who agreed with the above comment by DivaMamma did not take the time to read any of the rest of my blog. Or if they did, their conclusions had already been formed and anything else they read would have been filtered through those already established conclusions.

Furthermore, I think perhaps that the AP's who come to such conclusions about me and my blog forget what the focus of this blog is: sharing the experiences of one adult adoptee (and often of other adoptees) for the purpose and hope of educating others about the wide range of experiences that characterize the adoptee experience.

But I guess if I'm going to express that I think some AP's are addicted to martyrdom, I have to be willing to take what I dish out. Fair enough.

I guess what the comment made by DivaMamma brings me back to is the issue of the labels given to adult adoptees who offer up candid criticisms or who speak openly about the more "negative" emotions and realities regarding their adoption experiences. We can't seem to escape being labeled not only as "angry" but also I guess, at times, as "self-centered." No doubt there are self-centered people in the world--it's actually quite a modern epidemic of narcissism with YouTube and Facebook and so forth.

Yes, at times, I know it seems like I inordinately focus on my experiences as an adoptee, but it's not because I'm necessarily self-centered (or maybe I am...). Rather, I express and talk about my experiences because that's the main point of this blog--to share about my experiences as an adoptee with the purpose of educating.

So, other adoptees who blog for similar reasons, are we all self-centered because we share our experiences and perspectives with the goal of educating and raising awareness among the adoption community?

I certainly don't blog for the "fun of it" (because honestly, I don't find it all that fun, especially when I have to manage certain comments...), or because I like sharing about my humiliating and degrading experiences of racism and loss and grief and discrimination or because I enjoy feeling like I'm under a microscope or because I think I'm some kind of martyr. Please.

No, I don't do it for kicks, or because I think I'm so amazing. I do it because I think that maybe it might help others--that by sharing about my heartache, my anger, my experiences, it might help both other adoptees and myself to realize we're neither alone nor freakish, and it might help AP's, PAP's, social workers, spouses, etc. to better understand what adoptees may feel or think.

Lastly, what I find comically ironic is that in two of my "pet peeves," #5 and #6, I stated:

"Adoptive parents who use the experiences of some adoptees to invalidate and discount the experiences of other adoptees. This one really irks me. Again, the self-justification song and dance are counterproductive and miss the point."

and

"Even worse--when adoptees do this to each other. I've encountered it over and over, adoptees pitting themselves against one another rather than showing understanding and respect for each other and the variations in our experiences. Look, folks, let's recognize that there is a spectrum of adoptee experiences ranging from those who are happy and resolved about their adoptions to those who are enraged and disgusted with their adoptions and everything in between. Why does one have to invalidate the other? With as complex as adoption is, doesn't it make sense that the range of experiences is going to vary vastly and that each experience is just as valid? C'mon, my fellow adoptees...and Adoptive Parents...stop pitting one against the other..."

Apparently some readers completely missed the point I was trying to make in the above statements, and did exactly what I was trying to help people not to do--dismiss or discredit the experiences and points of view of other adoptees simply because they differ from your own.

Furthermore, one parent in the forum also misinterpreted what I was saying in Pet Peeve #9 and commented: "she is spot on from an adoptee perspective on many of these except #9. i think adoption is not just about the child, or the ap, but rather the WHOLE family."

I actually wasn't saying that adoption is only about the child, but that parents who are addicted to martyrdom make adoption all about themselves to the detriment and neglect of their child. I agree that adoption involves not only an entire family, but entire families, plural--including not simply the adoptive family but the original family also.

Lastly, of course, I actually do have a life outside of my blog. I actually rarely talk about adoption and my experiences as an adoptee outside of my blog with anyone other than my husband and a few fellow adoptees.

But that can be the danger of a blog that is so focused on my experiences as an adoptee--people often have difficulty seeing past it, and they define me only according to my blog. Well, I suppose I can't hold it against them. I guess I've done it to myself, which makes me empathize even more with my fellow adoptees who have since exited the blogosphere and retired their blogs. It gets to a point where you begin to wonder whether it's even worth it...

No, actually, I suppose it is worth it. I realize it's not even so much that I think what I share may benefit others, but I have benefited from what others have been willing to share with me...even those who exclaim that I'm self-centered. Helps keep me in check, I suppose, and helps me to have a sober estimation of myself, yes? And ultimately, I've got to practice what I preach...