I Believe in Signs

Here's the link (or click on the title above) to my monthly post over at the adoption website, "Grown in My Heart."

Think adopted children are too young to experience or be aware of the dissonance, confusion, loss, and displacement that come with being adopted? Think again...

Here's an excerpt from the opening:

Recently, initially due to my husband’s insight, I had somewhat of a revelation–although it will seem dumbly obvious to some of you. Yet this “epiphany” reaffirms in my mind that as a very young child I was not only acutely aware of being adopted but I was already heavily processing my adoption and experiencing the accompanying dissonance and confusion of identity–even though it did not appear obvious to my parents, or to me, for that matter...

Where are the adoptees voices? (by Raina @ GIMH)

Some of you have already read this post. For those of you who have not, I hope you will. I can relate to almost every word Raina wrote.

Excerpted from Raina's post at Grown in My Heart:

For an entire diaspora who has never had a voice, speaking out not only feels dangerous, but also indulgent...

...Don’t forget, those of us adopted from Korea and China have also carried that greatest expectation of earning that “most likely to succeed” title. Against all reason, I personally seem to live out my days trying to earn this life I’ve been handed. Whether I wanted it or not.

Not Luck But Choice

Here's the link to my monthly contribution to the adoption website, Grown in My Heart. The title of this month's article, Not Luck But Choice, addresses the common misassumption and aura that I'm a "lucky girl," not only because of being adopted but also because of being in reunion with my original family. Here's an excerpt:

To the outsider, it may appear a fairy tale, a dream—those who were lost from one another have now found one another. What a lucky girl she is—to have the best of both worlds—to have both her American family and now her Korean family.

But that’s just the trouble—it is two worlds—two worlds that do not readily or willingly merge. Rather it is more comparable to a collision.

And luck has nothing to do with it all. Luck had nothing to do with me being relinquished and adopted in the first place. Luck had nothing to do with me finding my Korean parents and family...

[Click here for the entire post.]

"It is not easy to care about the pregnant teen or the struggling mom"

"...the idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that's wrong with the world."

~Dr. Paul Farmer

(Mountains beyond Mountains written by Tracy Kidder)

* * *

Adoption is not for everyone. Nor is it the answer to the world’s orphan crisis. In the best of circumstances, adoption creates a loving family for a child who has been orphaned. But it does not address the root causes of why a child has been abandoned or orphaned to begin with. It is a band-aid on much larger social problems that all of us should want to see eliminated – child abandonment, poverty, lack of resources, drug abuse, and social stigma. It is estimated that 99% of the world’s orphans will not be adopted. Adoption is an answer for some orphaned children . . . but not for most of them.

There are two sides to the orphan crisis: finding families for children without, and preserving families that are intact. Prevention is the side that is not addressed by adoption. If we say we care about adoption, then we must care about the circumstances that lead children to be orphaned. If we care about adoption, then we must care about seeing less children enter orphanages to begin with.

It is not easy to care about the pregnant teen or the struggling mom. But it might be the starting place in this whole scenario.

(And if we care about orphans, then we must care about the children in foster care in our own country.)

* * *

Minus the quote from Dr. Paul Farmer, the above is an excerpt from a post, "Adoption Discourse: A Little More Talk, A Lot More Action," at the adoption site, Grown in My Heart.

I wanted to share the post, because the author, an adoptive mom, actually addresses the reality that adoption "does not address the root causes of why a child has been abandoned or orphaned to begin with." I was refreshed to encounter such insights being expressed. Furthermore, the author goes on to offer very practical ways of addressing the root causes both locally and internationally:

So, I’m gathering a list – a list of things that assist children at risk. The first is a list of things you can do locally. Then, I’ll give some resources to organizations that are on the ground in impoverished nations, that you might think about supporting. These are the organizations that are helping to sustain families financially, so they don’t have to face the threat of abandoning a child due to poverty. THIS is where our attention should be.

Finally. Progress is being made--people who are willing not only to acknowledge the realities surrounding WHY adoption happens in the first place, but people who are also willing to promote doing something about it. Glory.

* * *

I'd also like to address, however, the statement that

"It is not easy to care about the pregnant teen or the struggling mom. But it might be the starting place in this whole scenario."

This statement, I believe, is quite revealing and honestly, to me, alludes to one of the root causes not only when facing the reasons behind adoption but the reasons for so much of the injustice and inequity that trouble our world.

In the words of Dr. Paul Farmer, as quoted above, who has been working in Haiti for most of his life (for decades--long before the earthquake hit):

"...the idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that's wrong with the world."

To me the above statement captures WHY it's so hard for some people to care about the moms facing the extreme difficulties and circumstances that may prompt them to relinquish their children. Whether it's a single mom facing intense poverty or a young teen lacking resources or a widow left alone or a woman struggling in an abusive relationship--the root reason for why it's easy for people to dismiss these moms is what Dr. Farmer addresses in his statement--that some lives matter less than others.

Maybe you don't view it that way, but what other reason or explanation is there for why folks are so willing, even eager, to help the children involved, yet so hesitant, even averse, to helping the mothers and families of these children? The mothers' lives matter less to them (for whatever host of reasons they use to rationalize and justify their discriminations--the mom is irresponsible, she shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place, she's uneducated, she doesn't have what it takes, she's immature, her actions prove she doesn't deserve to parent, and so forth), while the lives of the children matter more.

And yes, you're right, it is complicated--exactly. It's "easy" to help a child--they're so "helpless" and "innocent." But it's so much more difficult to help an adult--we're willful and obstinate and loaded with all kinds of flaws and emotional baggage.

So, it's easy for people to dismiss the lives of the moms being affected while feeling saintly for caring about the lives of the children. But if folks really cared about the children involved, they'd care about their moms, too. And if people were a little less inclined to think so highly of themselves yet so disparagingly of others, then true change, true reform, and true help could happen not only in the world of adoption, but in the world as a whole.

When we stop assigning a hierarchy of value to individual lives based on such finite and temporal terms like money and wealth and education, and begin acknowledging the inherent value of every human being, not for what they don't have or can't do but for what they do have and can do--particularly when given the opportunity and support they need--it is then that we will truly be on the road to progress.