Wednesday, April 29, 2009

one Degree of Separation


So, back in a previous post, "holy Moley: An Update," I mentioned that the woman who works here in America for Dillon International as the Director of Korea Adoptions was visiting Korea last week?

I just received an email this morning.

She met with my birth father face to face.

They talked with one another. It seems in depth.

They also took some photographs of and with my birth father after the meeting.

I felt elated, shaky, restless as I read the email and gazed at the photos.

Butterflies are still fluttering in my head and gut.


Something that I suspected was also confirmed--my birth father's wife and children know NOTHING about me.

He wants to tell them eventually. He said that he thinks his son will be understanding, but he is less confident about how his wife and daughter will respond.


A deluge of indescribable emotion inundates me, of course. I can't even identify its various currents and directions right now. I just know that it is washing over me.

It feels simultaneously pleasant and ominous. The way I used to feel when I was a little girl swimming out in the open ocean off the shores of the Philippine Islands.

I would take in a deep breath and pull myself under to peer into the pristine and brimming ocean water. I could feel my body drifting and would have to tread to hold my place.

The majesty of it all captivated me with such beauty and marvel.

And yet a gnawing unease would run through my body as I felt the vastness of the uncertain and bizarre ocean waters pressing in against me.

I would have to jerk my head above water before it overtook me.

And although even then, it still felt as though something was sucking at my heels, there was also something wildly adventurous and addicting about the thrill of imagined danger and the endless mystery of a deep, dark unknown.


Except now, it is not imagined. And there is no jerking my head above the water.

I have thrown myself in, if not be overtaken, then at least to no longer dread drifting and floating out into those uncertain and bizarre waters sucking at my heels.


In May, the Director will be visiting Korea again. During that time, she plans to meet with my birth mother face to face.


Like I said in the previous post--although we're at only one degree of separation now, it at times feels as though the separation remains a vast chasm, while at other times, it feels all too close.

Nonetheless, those who were once lost and estranged from one another are now being given opportunity to draw near and to overcome that which may still, at times, seem insurmountable yet does not fail to give the hope of healing and reconciliation.

1 comment:

Mia said...

I can imagine that you most be overtaken by a world of undefineable (if that's a word?!) emotions..I'm getting some of it just reading this post!! I can't even begin to imagine your level of nerves right now.

And I know nothing's gonna take away your feelings about not being revealed to your siblings, so I'm not gonna tell you not to worry. You can even worry for the both of us! - because I'm sure and calm for the both uf us ;)