horizon

I.

I tell myself that there is no longer any need or reason to be tragic.

All the tragedy and drama are being driven out. Right?

The unknown is being made known.
That which was secret is being revealed.
Those who were abandoned are being retrieved.

II.

And yet I cannot deny this reservoir of emotion still pooling within—all these tears pushing at my eyes and tightening in my throat?

Perhaps it is as has been said before—there are some wounds that never fully heal; hurts from which we never completely recover.

III.

Finding my birth parents and answers to lifetime unknowns do not function as an ecumenical poultice.

Indeed, the process of being “reunited” can bring healing and comfort, but it cannot—and hence one should not expect such—instantaneously cure one of all turmoil and pain.

There is something in me trying to convince myself that this will “fix me.” I think it is perhaps natural to desire such. Who does not desire wholeness and completion?

But I know this isn’t something to be “fixed.” But rather lived.

To try to attain completion by insufficient and incompatible means only leads to more heartache and disappointment. Never will one single event of this world cure any one person of the deep emotional wounds common to man and that forever compel us to seek remedy.

IV.

I know that there are those who might presume, with good intentions that now that my biological parents have emerged, I have arrived.

I will admit honestly that in some ways, I have. I am not trying to take away from what a difference, what a relief comes with finding one’s biological origins. I already feel so different and so much more empowered and complete.

But I guess my point is that we often neglect the post-reunion.

On the front end is the novelty, the excitement. But as the journey continues—that’s when we really need to pay attention.

V.

It’s like comparing a wedding and a marriage. The wedding is the most joyous of occasions. Everyone celebrates and rejoices with the new couple. A day always to remember.

But it is only the beginning.

The marriage is ultimately what counts. The marriage is what will need constant attention and maintenance. The marriage is the post-reunion. It’s not going to magically come to together without hard work and effort. And you better believe hurt feelings and conflict will come.

As wondrous and as magical as the wedding was the marriage will only thrive if the couple continues to pour themselves into their relationship, no matter what strife and hardship they encounter.

So it will be with the post-reunion. My initial meetings with my biological parents are only the beginning.

This is only the beginning.

VI.

The road a thousand miles down is for what I am bracing myself. Getting in the car is easy. It’s staying in the car when the drive gets treacherous and the roads get dangerous that will test my heart and my motivation.

I’ve changed the oil and gotten the alignment checked. I’ve locked the door. I have fastened my seatbelt tightly around my torso.

And although my eyes are fixed on the road ahead, there is no horizon in sight.