magic

I am struggling.

I feel as though my mind is caged. The words will not emerge. My thoughts feel jumbled and vague. My emotions are rampant and scattered.

I cannot explain what’s happening inside of me.

I feel frustrated. I am distraught and anxious. A restlessness and uneasiness crawl beneath my skin. I feel like I’m going mad.

* * *

But this is the journey I have chosen.

It’s like climbing mountain after mountain. You trudge and trek, day after day, upwardly.

Finally when you reach the top, you feel relieved. You catch your breath. You take in the magnificence. You cannot believe you have made it this far.

You set up camp. The sun seems as though it is closer; the air is crisp and invigorating. Yet as you breathe it in, it rushes through with a coldness that almost makes you lose your breath, and as it rubs against your face, it feels bitter and sharp.

You realize that, eventually, you must begin your descent to make your way toward the next and vast mountain.

* * *

I feel like I have to justify to the world and to myself why this is hard. Why this is bittersweet.

Why I can’t just get over it.

I keep trying to reach for understanding and for illumination. You would not think it to be so slippery and elusive.

This still hurts.

This is still so inexplicably troubling.

What is it that still harrows and afflicts me?

* * *

The limbo.

The middle.

The rip.

Feeling stuck.

Pulled apart.

Divided.

But not of my own accord.

I’ve got to somehow make this work. I can’t stay here. I can’t keep treading water. I’ve got to find dry land.

I’m not a fish.

* * *

Maybe I can metamorphose. Shift. Reconfigure.

Become amphibious.

Then, I will be able to pass between two worlds with the ease that I could never know otherwise.

* * *

Although, I somehow think that I might be better off making a run to the aquatics store to buy a snorkel and some flippers.

And maybe even sign up for a course on scuba diving.

It has not been since I was a little girl that I believed in magic.

* * *

That’s not to say, however, that I don’t still believe in the possibility of what could be encountered as magical.

* * *

For now, I'll continue making my way through the mountains.

I'll continue treading and swimming nearer the shore.

Maybe I am already beginning metamorphosis.

Maybe I am more amphibious than I seem.

Maybe this all just takes time, the kind of time that requires a lifetime.