Wednesday, February 25, 2009

the Dig


All of my life, I have been taunted by the unknown.


Now, the unknown is becoming known..

This changes everything. I am realizing that I must adjust to this new shift in how I define my experience of life and being. This quantum leap in my identity. The electrons have jumped orbits, and now the elements of the equation have metamorphosed. The equilibrium has been upset. To restore balance is going to require some fancy chemistry and a little mad-scientist experimentation.


I am no longer the adoptee who never knew her birth parents. I am no longer the adoptee haunted by the uncertainty of an unknown past. I am no longer the one who does not know.

Now, I know.

And now, the scary thought that creeps into my mind
I have no excuse.


But the science of it all does not produce concrete results. Science likes to think it can fix everything. It has all the answers. Just get this and that just right and the cure is infinitely around the corner, waiting to be found. Add a little of this answer in this tube, a splash of that answer, a milliliter of this answer, and the experiment is done. Perfected.


You get an explosion.


I am an explosion.

And for the majority of my life, I have been trying to piece together the shards and rubble.
Unsuccessfully. Of course.

But now, it's as though someone showed up at my door, arms full with more of the pieces than I ever imagined existed. And it is both wonderful and terrifying, inspiring and awful.


It is as though a resurrection of sorts is taking place.

I dug up the bodies. And when they sprang to life, I realized that I had only been digging at the surface.

This is a somewhat twisted and morbid way to process things. I can't help it. This is just the way my mind and heart come together at times. And then, that thought whispers over and over again...You have no excuse...I have no excuse.

Excuse for what?


I apologize. I need to excuse myself at this point. I need to find my shovel. I have some place I need to be. Excuse me. I apologize. Pardon me. I need to find my shovel. I have some place I need to be.

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