Wednesday, November 4, 2009


I am a woman who is divided.

Not because I want to be divided. It’s just hard to be whole when there are pieces beyond my reach, beyond my control.

My hope is that with time, those that have flown apart will one day be able to come together.

In the mean time, I feel like one who is living two completely separate lives. I feel like one who is two separate people.

I want to assimilate the two. I want to incorporate the two. I want it all to be one. But it is never that simple.

I still feel as though my life is filled with secrets. And feeling as though one’s life is full of secrets can lead to a life that feels quite lonely and isolated.

Secrets make one feel unknown and alienated. No matter how many people may think they know you, you still feel like a shadow. An impostor. Invisible, obscured.

Like a sun eclipsed by an eternal night sky.


Jeff and Madeline said...

I can see this in my daughter as well. There are times I see the sadness creeping through due to the unknowns--I really feel it is harder now on so many levels because there are "real" people that she has seen, touched, felt and yet, they are strangers. She tells me a lot and I am more than grateful for it, my hurt is nothing compared with hers and mine comes with the territory.

I see her trying to reconcile these two families (well, three as her foster family is also a big part of our lives, I know it is becoming more difficult as they have more contact than her first family). I see her trying to figure it out, the what if's? why's? how come? and who am I?

Loving us and yet not wanting to have been adopted. It is so hard. I know I can't make it all better, I don't try as I think that would be dismissive and condescending to even believe I had that gift. I am always there to listen and help with her grief. I cannot make them be who she wants, I cannot take it all back, I cannot rewind time to make her whole. It hurts to watch her pain and confusion, at the same time I know in all that I am that what she has found is the very best thing for her and has made her feel more complete than she has in the past. It is balancing and coming together with it all.

Thinking of you and hoping you will find that wholeness with time. It is not an easy task and one I wonder how one is supposed to bear. Best to you.

Mia_h_n said...

I can only imagine how torn and conflited you must feel, but I do do so because I imagine the same would be true for me.
I share your hope for you - and me, should I ever be inyour position.

To you, your sun might feel eclipsed at the moment but I can still feel it's warmth :)

Thinking of you...

Mei-Ling said...

"It’s just hard to be whole when there are pieces beyond my reach, beyond my control."

Oh yeah.