her First Words

I.

A friend of mine snapped this candid photo on the evening of February 3, 2009. I received the first ever photos and letters from my birth mother on February 2nd.

That night we were at a friend's house, and I knew that my friend Haeyoung would be there.

In this photo, she is giving me a preliminary verbal translation of the letters that my birth mother and her sister wrote to me.

My husband is standing there with me, holding my hand.

I am somehow there but not there, trembling in the light, listening, yearning--my heart breaking wide open.

II.

"I feel like I'm dreaming. I have been living my entire life with the guilt that I gave you up. I was always crying inside, even when smiling outside...I don't know when I will be able to see you, but I am so happy that I go to bed every night holding your picture in my arm tightly...

I have too much to say, but can't put everything into words. I just want to say, I am sorry, please forgive me, and thank you...I hope happiness for you until I see you..."

"I feel like flying with bursting joy as I read your letter. I am so grateful for your parents, your loving husband, family, and everyone. I want to express my gratefulness with a deep bow...

I have always believed that dreams come true, but it really feels like I am dreaming as I write to you. Again, send my gratefulness to your parents, family, husband, and all. Daughter of my life, I miss you and want to hug you. I am happy to know that you are happy, and that we will meet some day..."

III.

"I don't know where to start; for so many days and years I have been missing you and carrying you in my heart...I was thrilled to hear the news that you are well and living a happy life...

My heart has been hurting thinking about you. Words cannot describe all those years...Please know that your mom never forgot about you for a second and shed countless tears for all those years. I know that I don't deserve to say these things to you...I don't know how to express my heart to you. I have so much to say. Let's embrace each other and laugh hard when we reunite, leaving the past behind, pursuing only happiness..."

IV.

Truly, could I ask for anything more?

The first excerpts are quoted from the first two letters that my birth mother wrote to me. The second set of excerpts are quoted from the letter that her sister wrote to me.

I read their words again and again in continuing believing disbelief.

Their words are everything that I dreamed they would be and more.

I love what my Korean aunt wrote, "Let's embrace each other and laugh hard when we reunite, leaving the past behind pursuing only happiness."

I love how poetic are their words...how expressive...how emotional...how beautiful...

Truly their words penetrate my being as air that I have never before breathed...as water that I have never before imbued...as a sunrise upon which I have never gazed...

V.

Whatever challenges are to come, whatever imperfections are to be revealed, this moment now is perfect and without flaw.

I am not choosing to be naive or to deny ensuing realities.

I am simply choosing to travel this path...a single step at a time.

This existing step on the path that I am taking, in this moment, has led me to the fragrant scents of honeysuckle and lilies, magnolias and wisteria. This step on the path has revealed brilliant sunlight and blooming verdure.

I would be a moron to reject the perfection of this moment, to cast aside all of its pleasure and fulfillment to the senses--these senses that have longed and pined to be drenched in such glory and wonder, such marvel and awe.

VI.

At least for now, I will continue to revel.

And in the words of my birth mother, I will gladly share in her sentiment, so succinctly yet poignantly stated,

"I feel like I own the world."