" 'What do you do all day long?'...Writing is not a legitimate answer; neither is cooking or being the full-tme companion of someone..." Kim Sunee, Trail of Crumbs
I often feel as though I have to justify my existence with something grand. I must leave some kind of mark worthy of being given the privilege to live. Simply living never feels as though it is enough to take away the sense of debt and guilt I feel for being alive.
I blame no one for "making" me feel this way. Rather I think it is simply the way that I was born--inherent to the nature of the life that was cast upon me. The way that I was born was the way of one who came into the world already without home or family. And the nature of such a beginning in life is one that leaves me constantly doubting and questioning whether I have yet proven my worthiness to remain.
I am intrigued by the confidence and assurance at which my brothers seem to go through life. They do not seem to question or doubt their right to be here and to take the most of life. I observe this as though it is a foreign land and one that I will never understand.
3 comments:
Hey Melissa,
I really feel I can empathize with you. You wrote, "Simply living never feels as though it is enough to take away the sense of debt and guilt I feel for being alive."
Although what I feel might be slightly different, I always acted out as a child (and as a young adult). I was such a dramatic kid and there were times when I felt if I couldn't "show" people I was there, present, in the room, that I really didn't exist. If people didn't acknowledge my presence in some way, I would get that horrible sinking feeling in my chest and feel all the terrible emotions that came with my original separation.
Solim, I can very much relate to what you wrote. Both as a child and as a young adult, I also acted out and was always (and still am) very dramatic. My Mom always used to joke with me that, "Your birth mother must have been in show biz because you are such a drama queen..."
"I often feel as though I have to justify my existence with something grand." <- Hey! That's my bit! Or at least how I feel too. When people call I always feel like I have to be doing something big like heading out the door for something or cleaning the house or cooking. It can't just be what it is: reading or surfing og watching TV. Too boring a waste of time.
I might have felt the same unworthiness as you and Solim, but I tried to blend in with the wall paper so no one noticed it.
Born like this? I'm not sure. I do however feel like you do, that the life we came into, perhaps didn't leave us much "choice".
That just makes it all the more important to me to remeber to focus on the balance/complexity of life. I'm far from good at it! But sometimes it does help to get me though hard times to remember, that there are also good things, like Mads. He's a constant good when other things go bad.
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